The Man
by Baze88
Summary: Fabian Rutter was one who seemed to have it all, smart talented and good looking. Well known in Hollywood with a super star girlfriend, but its not all fun and games in Fabians world. When he shuts off his music, he struggles with his personal problems when his world comes crumbling down. He is a broken soul wondering the earth alone going insane, Will Fabian be saved.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's ****Note: **

**Hello readers, if you have read my past fan-fiction you would have realized I've taken a ; I've taken a really long break from fan-fiction and if you followed my stories I'm sorry for the wait, I'll update those immediately after I finish all chapters. **

**By the time I upload this story I'll be done every single chapter so you guys won't ever have to wait long unless I have some computer problems or just simply too busy or lazy to update which most likely never happen since I have absolutely no social life what's so ever. It's sad. **

**Anyway this story is about Fabian Rutter obviously as you can see from the summary unless you didn't read it then, well I have no words for you. **

**I'm trying to make this story realistic but at the same time not so realistic so we'll see how that plays out. **

**I have never focused in writing a story about Fabian himself so this will be a frist. So far I think it's one of my best but I don't know. **

**Okay anyway before I begin writing an essay that you guys probably won't read let's get to important facts. I probably and most likely will never write another note until the end of this story. I feel as if they are a bit annoying to readers and most don't read them anyway or maybe that's just me who skips to the actual story.**

**So if you ever have questions you could review and I could make a quick edit and answer it in the next chapter or I'll pm you the answer or you could pm me. Which ever you prefer. **

**Please review suggestions and how well or bad you think the chapter is so I can write better next time. I think that's all I need to say so uhh yea. Until next time...**

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><p>"So how exactly do you feel?" My therapist Jerome Clarke asked.<p>

His dirty blonde hair was combed neatly back. He wore black dress pants and a white button up top but the top two buttons were undone. His sleeves were rolled up. He had ice blue eyes, they reminded me of my best mate Mick except his were much more intense. Kinda scary actually.

He sat in a white arm chair while I sat on the maroon colored two seated couch across from him. His foot rested on his other knee. I dressed simply in a white shirt and blue jeans with black converse. You think for a superstar like me, I would maybe wear something more in style or dressy or I don't know? Something Harry Styles would wear.

"Fabian?" Jerome asked raising an eyebrow.

".. I don't know"I answer his question. Jerome looked around my age. Must be really smart.

"You don't know?" He asked.

"I-I..." I don't know how to finish.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to" he states leaning back in her chair. Putting the notepad onto the coffee table that stood in between is. I don't say anything and we just sat in uncomfortable silence for awhile.

"Look, Rutter. If you don't want to talk fine, that's alright but I don't want to waste my time sitting in silence" He says sitting back up, hands in his lap. Legs now spread apart. He looked at me, studied me. Looked like he was staring into my soul. It was creepy.

"It all started when I was a little boy" I started staring at the white wall that stood behind him. Pictures and awards were hung up there. There was one of what must be him and a dark skinned boy, they looked twelve. They had frogs in there hands, smiling with laughter. Must be his best friend.

"Go on" he said leaning back once more in his seat.

"I was always that kid, that sat in the back of the room quite."

"So the shy one with no friends that's always reading" he filled me in. I glared at him for assuming that then glared at him because it's true.

"Yeah anyway-" he cut me off

"You were bullied and began to get a little depressed leading to your teen years" he did it again. Filled me in.

"Pretty much" I say.

"And...?" He says wanting me to go on.

"When I was a teen. Sixteen to be exact. I met her" I say

"You two fell in love and she dumped

Your poor lonely heart and you went off the edge?" He says not paying much attention.

"Let me finish!" I lost my cool. Well I never had cool so I lost my patience?

"Okay, okay go on" he put his chin in the palm of his hand acting like he were so interested. How does this man have a job?

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><p><strong>M<strong>ick Campbell leaned on the bookshelf. He questioned raising an eyebrow.

"You know I don't like parties" I reminded him pulling out book 'The World We Live In' by Stephen Orlins. I opened it up and began to read through the first page.

"Come on mate, it will be awesome" he exclaimed now standing in front of me now. I looked at him. I hate party's I'm always the odd one there. I love music but the music they play at these party stinks. It's just mainstream pop and rap. Complete rubbish.

"Yeah for you, Mick you're the most popular guy in school. Everyone loves you." I start

"You're popular to"

"Yeah, the Jocks nerdy best friend that no one knows the name of. I'm so popular" I say with obvious sarcasm in my voice. The blonde brushed his bieber bangs to the side and rolled his eyes at my comment.

"You're such a debbie downer" he told me.

I glared at him for a moment before returning to look back down at my book. I decided I liked off and walked down the aisle with Mick following close behind. Talking about the party.

"Come on mate, I can take Joy and you can take..." He didn't know how to finish.

I don't blame him. I suck at talking to girls. I stopped in my tracks and faced my friend, raised an eyebrow at him. Putting him in a very tough position waiting for him to answer.

"Excuse me" we heard a voice say.

It was a girl. Have never seen her before. She didn't seem to have an English accent ether. We live in Liverpool, why doesn't she have our accent? She had long wavy hair it was a very light shade brown but had blonde highlights. Not going to lie, she sort of took my breath away.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I felt a hand hit my shoulder. It's hurt like a bitch.

"Dude, owe!" I looked a Mick giving him a deep glare.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Sorry" he said to the girl that stood in front of us. She watched that little show, Jesus why?

Mick shoved me off to the aside and whacked me again.

"You've got to be kidding me,Mick"

"Mate, I saw how you looked at her"

"I looked at her like how I look at everyone" I exclaimed rubbing my arm where he just loves to hit now.

"Nope, you looked at her like she was some sort of goddess" he said. I just nodded my head in disagreement.

That was when a light flashed in his face. An invisible light bulb lit over his head and shined brighter than New York City. He reminded me of one of my closest friends and his girlfriend Joy Mercer at that exact moment. She rubbing off on him I guess. That look scared me, every time Mick has a plan or some idea something goes wrong and I get grounded.

"No!" I shouted at him only to be hushed by the Liberian the next second.

"No,no,no. Whatever it is, I'm not doing it. I refuse to do so. No, non, nein, nie, nej. You hear me? No." I say speaking in several different languages confusing the lad.

"Okay first of all you don't even know what I was going to say yet and second of all, I've told you so many damn times to stop speaking in so many different languages. It's confusing"

"I don't care what you were going to say, I'm not going to do it either way" I exclaimed crosses hands letting him know I seriously mean know.

"She's was pretty don't you think?" He asked changing the subject

"Mick" I start

"You're not to bad looking either"

"Dude"

"And this is a library meaning she likes books and is smart and you like books and is a to total nerd" he keeps talking

"Mate"

"And there's the party Friday night"

"Seriously"

"You need a date"

"I'm not asking her."

"Yes you are"

"I don't even know her name!"

"Now you can find out" he says guiding me back to that aisle we first saw her. I tried to stop but he's stronger than I am.

"Mick. No. I'm not-" I was cut of. He literally pushed me into her.

"Whoa, sorry man." He lies, I glare at my evil friend.

"I'm gonna go check out this book" he says taking a random book from the shelf before walking away.

My eyes met hers. Hers were a blue-green mix. Deep and mesmerizing.

"...I, um- uh" I stutter, Lost completely for words.

"It's okay" she says flashing me a white smile. I returned one back at her, kinda.

"Sorry" I say looking behind me.

"My friends really.." I don't know how to finish.

"It's alright, seriously...I'm Nina" she introduces herself. I smile at her like an idiot for a minute before realizing I should probably introduce my awkward self.

"I'm Fabian, Fabian Rutter" I say holding out a hand. She raised an eyebrow but took it anyway. Her hand was warm and small. Not to small, the perfect size. It was soft like an angles touch.

"So.." She says breaking eye contact

"Uh..are you um n-new?" I asked stupidly. Of course she's new.

"Yeah, I actually just moved here from America because I'm american but you could probably tell because of my accent. It's american. I moved here to live with my grams, she not american...yeah" she finally stops talking looking down in embarrassment. I just smile.

"Sorry. It's just sometimes I kinda start talking and then I keep on talking and I don't know how to stop. I can't explain it, the words just keep flowing out and out and I can't help myself it's just-" I cut her off.

"It's alright. Nina take a breath" I say. She smiles and looks away. That was when I realized were still holding hands, she remembers to because she pulls away the next second.

"Umm. I got to go check the book out" she says suddenly.

"Yeah okay" I step aside giving her room to leave me. I see Mick give me a look that says 'do it!'

"Hey I'm, Nina" I saying calling out to her. She turns around and looks at me.

"So there's this party on Friday" I start off brushing my hair back with my hand leaving for lay on the back of my head.

"Do you want to maybe go...like with me?" I asked hoping and praying and pleading in the inside she would say yes.

She acts like she's thinking about it before opening her mouth. "Like on a date?"

"Yes...but it's doesn't have to be a date, if you don't want it to be I mean" I say quickly.

Nina bright eyes look off to the side.

"Pick me up at 8?"

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><p>"What school was this?" Jerome asked<p>

" Frobisher Smythe, why?"

"Nina sounds really familiar, my girlfriend went there actually, huh. What a small world"

"Whose your girlfriend?"

"None of your business. We're here for you not me Rutter" Jerome states. Sassy pants much. Great now I sound like Joy. I face palmed myself.

Jerome gave me a questioning look before muttering 'celebs and their strange strange ways'


	2. Chapter 2- Part 1

**I know I posted last night but I have no social life so I'm posting again. **

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><p><strong>Part 1 <strong>

The hour was up. My driver took me back to my little mansion. The ride was long and dark having it be winter and almost nine.

He told me goodnight I just waved him off. Unlocking the front door, I automatically threw my jacket on the the floor. Next were my shoes. I walked into the living room. Wall planted in awards and records. T.V on the the other wall. I sat in the sofa that's faced the television. Kicked my feet up to put it on the coffee table and turned on the television machine revealing the news. I changed went onto the next channel, it was a show. _'The Vampire Diaries'_ I'm not interested. Went onto the next and still not that into it. I keep switching for about I don't even know 10 minutes maybe.

I find _TMZ_, you know that celebrity news show with the bad jokes and the them making fun of us. Stupid but still kind of entertaining.

They talked about the actress KT Rush, Patricia Williamson and Eddie Miller.

_"Okay get this, We all know that Eddie and Patricia are in a relationship but, but Eddie and KT have been filming a move together spending a lot of time together taking selfies and tweeting each other constantly but last night Eddie instagramed a photo of the two. Her hands were around his waist and she was kissing his cheek and then Eddie deleted the photo exactly 10 minutes later"_ the blonde Girl said, everyone watched her and the photo popped up on the screen.

_"Someone's a little naughty"_ one of those guys spoke up and few people chuckled.

_"Patricia's totally going to kill her and then him and laugh the entire way"_ another said. They kept talking about it and then one of the guys made a joke and they all busted out laughing. I just shake my head at the T.V like they can see my actions.

I know all three of them. Eddie is my best mate now days and I'm his even though he wouldn't admit it. He's madly In love with Patricia he even bought her a ring. KT on the other hand, he sees her a sister but she wants to be more then friends and everyone knows except will Eddie. The two would work anyway, KT is to needy no offense to her and Eddie gets annoying or really angry and the only person that can handle it is well Patricia.

They then talk about Taylor Swifts new song and Miley Cyrus new music video. They talked about Josh Hutcherson new movie and Mick Campbell's football accident, that douche. Then went on to Zac Efron new girl but none caught my eye and I began to slowly loose more interest every new topic and bad joke that was until I heard my name.

_"Fabian Rutter has gone off the deep end"_ she started, I rolled my eyes.

_"After his split with model/actress Amber Millington, it was official he had gone crazy"_ the girl went on. Puff, I went mad before that.

_"I mean he almost went to prison"_ almost, I almost went. I didn't, why won't people let that go?

_"So a very close source tells us that his best friend Eddie Miller convinced the British boy to get help. Fabes spent a week in rehab before ditching about apparently he now goes to see a shrink"_ she says.

I did ditch rehab. I don't regret it. I am seeing a shrink, Clarke. I don't like him but he has away with getting you to talk from your heart. It weird.

They tell more lies about my pass and make a joke. I turn the T.V off before heading towards the large kitchen. I take a glass of code and sit on top of the counter. Legs crossed. I must look weird up here but oh well. Who cares because certainly not me.

My mind wonders as I stare at the glass. Therapy got me thinking about old memories. About Nina and Mick and Joy even Amber. I wonder what there up to, I mean I know what Amber and Mick is doing but Nina and Joy that's a different story.

Funny how Mick was supposed to be my best friend turns out he's a back stabbing male whore. Then there's Amber a total diva. Then Joy, she always stayed a true friend. It was me, it is me that is the douche that ruined out friendship. She tried to stay in touch but I didn't. I put no effort into, I kinda just went to Fiji and bathed in the sun writing music being happy. She went off to Uni starting the rest of her life. Then Nina, oh Nina. Broke my heart into billions and if that wasn't good enough she ran over it several times with a bus.

I think back the good memories with her. Every weekend in the winter she wore my blue hoodie with the draw string pulled right to keep her little pale face from the England cold. We took day trips around the city exploring somewhere new each time. We ate at different places trying to spend every single second we had together a memorable one since everyday when I was away we could only speak on the phone for a few minutes before I go back to the celeb life.

I look at the glass once more, I'm frightened to think if I depend on cider and drinks and lighting a spliff I fall into a spiral, I'll go mad and it's only just hiding all my misguiding thoughts that I'm trying and failing miserably to kill. If I go in this way I'd be writing my will before I'm 25, I'll die from a thrill at just 27 going down in history as just a wasted talent.

Can I face this challenge? Or did I already fail? It's only therapy that makes my thoughts get so ahead of me. Driving me more mad than I already am. Why is it am alive? I don't even feel like I am. I'm dead but I'm breathing, only to pass the time. I don't want to be here. Not now. Not tomorrow. I didn't want to yesterday and I wouldn't want to in a year.

Oh God, I feel so lonely.I know I'll be feeling this tomorrow.

"Lord, forgive me for the things I've done." I say, I was never meant to hurt a single soul.

I like a the glass once more that sat beside, still full. I jumped off the counter and took the glass in my hand. I didn't drink it, just stared. I put it down once more walking away to my medicine cabinet. Took out pills, painkiller to be exact. They kill the physical pain but never the emotional stuff sadly.

I walk over to my living room taking the glass full of poison and the pills. I turned on the TV at out It into a random movie 'The Truman Show' I've already seen it, I feel sorry for Truman. His whole entire life set up like that, the movies good so why not watch it another time.

So a sat watching it, sipping on my cider. Slowly taking the pills . One by one. I feel my self fading out.

I heard my cell ring, I ignored it. Probably just my manger or publicist. Not interested. I'm not interested in the fame, not interesting in more concerts or award shows.

I used to love it. When I got to perform in front of small crowds. The real fans came to watch not just the fans that only like me because everyone else does and I have an accent and A really pretty face. I miss those times. When the fans came to hear MY music not just the ones the writer write and forces me to sing it and do the whole naked girls music video thing. I hate that. I hate the fake rigged award shows. I hate the music I have to play now, it's all fake. Just lies with a drum best to back it up.

Everything is getting blurring. I still hear the ringing from my phone, I pick it up and throw it making a dent in the washed out grey almost white wall. I couldn't stand it. I can't stand myself, I can't stand what I've become. Worse than that bieber guy that everyone hates on. Feel bad for him. He probably has a good soul it's just broken down right now everyone keeps bashing in him for it.

I stand up on my feet it's wobbly. I almost fall but don't. I pick up the now half full glass of cider. I pace, these wild thoughts going through my head. I can't kill them. They won't die. They just keep reappearing haunting me, my soul, my heart. Traveling through my brain oh so easily. There her words. There Nina's words.

'Look at what you've become Fabian! Look at yourself. Your a mess' the first thing she said to tear my heart out of my chest that night.

That dark cold night. She yelled at me and cried with tears staining her pale face. Eyes puffy at the end if the night. I yelled back lifting a heaving weight off my back. I told her how I felt. She didn't listen. She told me how she felt, I did listen. Wish I didn't because her words were like bullets and she kept firing. She called me selfish, I understood but I can't help it. I guess I always put my job over everything except my family and friends, Nina

will always be in between forever.

I tried with all of them, family and friends. My parents disowned me once I decided to proceed music saying I brought shame to the Rutter name. Only my brother and sister talked to me after, my sister stopped because of my parents and of course she stopped, I mean god forbid my parents not see her as the angel anymore, Meredith(Mare) just cannot Handel that. My brother Nathaniel (Nate) was always the trouble maker so of course he still talked to me, he encouraged me to go at it at first actually. He encouraged me to go on with music my entire life while dad just yelled at me saying it's a waste of time and music. Mum never did anything, just watched as dad told me how worthless I will be if I continue with music.

I got angry at the thought of my father. I'm crossed between hating him and loving the old man. Funny because when I was younger i thought he was cooler than batman then when I got older and more serious about music he got unhappy and used to constantly yell at me or even hit me because I'm Wasting my brains. I was the golden child once upon a time now I'm more screwed then Nate. When my father disowned me just like he did with Nate, Mare took it as a chance to be golden girl. The favorite child. The sweet sweet angel, it makes me sick.

Nate is my only real family. He stuck up for me when mum watched. He fought with dad when he fought with me though it always ended in him getting kicked out of the house. He would wait in the tree house and I would bring him food and money and so on until Mare found out and told mum who told dad who slapped me across the face and disowned my brother and then he wonders why his children is so screwed up. My mum cried, she let him leave and then she cried. Who does that? I didn't speak to them for a month after, I would have gone longer but my mom came in one night and talked to me. One of the worse nights of my life.


	3. Chapter 3-Part 2

**Part 2**

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><p><strong>I<strong> sit in my bedroom. My room and Nates were attached by a bathroom that goes both it's just me in that washroom every morning. No Nate.

No Nate anymore to yell at in the morning when he hogs it claming it takes a whole to get his hair that perfect. No Nate to to scream at when he finishes all the hot water and I'm the one to step in the shower feeling the cold ice on my skin ruining the day from the start.

No Nate anymore to try and get dad to go easy on me. I'll have to fight my own battles now. Alone in this hummanless building I'm forced to call home. Full of robot slaves that only listen to there head master; the big boss Thomas Rutter of as I call him dad. He doesn't deserves that tittle. He stoped being a father long ago, Nate says it's because he's been abducted by aliens and is now walking on the dark side but I know it's not true.

The white door opened to reveal my mother. We don't look a like except our blue eyes that's she passed on to me and my ten year old sister Mare she's only 2 years younger than me but acts older.

Mum has blonde hair just as Maritdith does. While I have dark brown hair like both my father and older brother Nate. People always say I look like Nate which is true. I do look a lot like Nate except Nate has longer hair and hazel eyes just as my dad except dad's eyes are full of hatred while Nate is a free soul.

She sat at the end of my bed, hands placed in her lap. I place my book I was trying to read but didn't because my thoughts are so very distracting down on my night stand which matched my bed and dresser all brown. Goes in nicely with my blue walls, at least that's what Joy says.

"Fabian" she starts, I avoid eye contact not wanting to speak to her.

"I know you're upset about your brother" she says with her gental voice pretending to be caring. She's not.

"Your brother" she paused trying to get her words to gether.

"Fabain, What Nathaniel-" I cut her off.

"Nate. He goes but by Nate, mother" I tell her

She took in a deep breath and spoke once more "Nate" she corrected herself.

"He doesn't listen, he's careless and when we try to get through to him he does-" I cut her off once more.

"Nate doesn't listen? He always listens. You guys are the ones that don't listen! You never listen to our thoughts and opinions and just shut us down when we want to try doing something else something different!" I blow

My dad walks in.

"Don't be yelling at your mother Fabian" he orders

"Or what? Your going to throw me out like Nate" I daringly ask

"Natheniel asked for it, he-" he starts but I cut him off.

"Nate. He goes by Nate! And he's only sixteen and you go and throw the poor guy out. He didn't even do anything but tried to stop you from beating me to death! He didn't ask me to bring him stuff, I CHOSE to and begged him to take it because unlike you; I don't want my brother to die out there in the cold!" I yell at them.

My mother held my father back a little. His face was full of anger and his eyes was pure bitterness. Mare stood at the doorframe watching the show.

I stood in front of my parents. This moment, this Is the moment I officially was torn away from being golden boy of the Rutter household.

"I don't want your brother dead, for gods sake. He's my son! He wants to act like a wild dog I'm letting him, he's just not doing it in this house and you will also not. Do I make myself clear?" Dad asks. Usually I will say when he asks that but no, not this time.

"I hate you" I breathe out. He takes a step close to me.

"Excuse me?" He asked. This is getting bad.

"You heard me. I hate you and I wish you would die!" I cry out. Dad didn't say a thing.

Mare looked scared and Mum, her face was emotionless. Not surpirsed, she doesn't care. She says she does but she doesn't nor have she ever. Oh if dad knew the things she done behind his back when he were on business trips or simply at work.

"I hate the both of you" I mutter looking my mother in the eye.

My blue eyes looked I hers. What happened that made there souls turn evil. I remember once upon a time we were happy. Once upon a time dad was nice and cooler than Batman. Mum was caring and always helped us and wanted to do family things. Once upon a time Mare didn't have that scared look on her face or acted grown up and Nate was nice to everyone. He used to spend loads of time at home and now home is the last place he be caught dead. And I used to be the good boy the super smart one because I liked being good, I liked learning. Filling my Brian with knowledge and random facts instead of being smart and good because I feel like I have to or else my dad would get mad and beat me down. The world sees the Rutter family as that perfect family your see on the television. No fighting, perfect children's and the best parents ever but we are just the opposite. This family Is just as screwed up as others.

My father turned and faced me once more. He slapped me. Burning my white cheek making it red. Wouldn't be surprised if there's a hands mark and bruise.

The slap was followed by yelling, swears and more hits. He screamed at the top of his longs "First Nathaniel now you!" My head is spinning and I'm in pain. Can feel the bruises forming. My body sore and throbbing. No amount of ice can fix this. No amount of anything can fix this.

"That's enough! Stop it, stop it!" Mare cried to our father. Mum tried to hold him back. He didn't listen he didn't back if he continued until I fell on the floor.

A bloody nose and bruised body trying badly not to break down and cry because that would only maybe him more angry. He kicked me. Told me how worthless I am.

What felt like ceteruies passed before I got back up on my feet. Unstable I was but I managed I grabbed me sweater turned to look at him. He stared at me and I stared back before walking out the door. He didn't stop me, Mum didn't stop me and nether did Mare.

If I knew where Nate was I would go to him. I would go to him and never comeback. I took my bike and road off, my father watched me from my bedroom window. He nodded his head in disapproval. I passed a few houses before before stoping on the sidewalk.

Micks house. One of my only friends. I have 4 total, he's the only male. The other 3 were Joy, Williow and Mara but I weren't close to Mara and Williow. We hardly spoke, they were barely my friends. Williow was always loud and energetic while Mara was quiet and sat in the corner reading or doing homework, if there was anyone nerdier than me it would have to be Mara. Willow is fun and all but she gets annoying. Mick and are complete opposites but he's cool and Joy and I've known eacher since we were four at daycare, she was the only one who dared talked to me.

Through the window of the Campell house window you can see the family of 4 watching a movie. They ate popcorn and laughed together. His dad's arm around his mother and Mick sat on the floor while his older sister Juilia lay in her pj's on the two seats sofa. They looked happy. It made angry and jealous wishing I could have a family like that once more but the odds aren't in my favor.

I put my feet on the pedals of my bike, it wasn't even my bike. It's Nate's old bike. I road off, the moon being my only source of light as I take a shortcut through the woods. It takes ten minutes before I get to my destination. A small main floored house. I go in the backard throwing my bike on the ground before knocking on a window. Joys window.

She looked shocked and worried and happy all at once when she saw my face. She slid her window across giving me a hand up. I claimbed in. She led me to her bed but she sat across from it at her little desk.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" She asked quietly obviosly not wanting her mother to hear.

I look at the floor. Not wanting to talk. She notices and says "it's okay you don't have to" she says comming to sitting next means pulling me into a hug. That's when I let the tears go. 'Forget trying to be a man and keep it in' I think. She just whispered it will be okay.

Didn't go home that night. The two of us fell asleep on her small white bed on top of the paint blankets. Side by side.

I guess her mother knew about me being her because when we woke there was a small blanket on us both. Walking out into her kitchen, I stood behind Joy. There wasn't to plates but instead 3 plates of warm hot pancakes with different types of barries on the side. Her mother Rachel Mecer smiled at us when she saw us.

Joy was an only child, she lived with her mother who was a single mother since her father wanted nothing to do with her. I know her father, he's business partners with my dad. He's quite rich while Rachel Struggled to pay bills. Joy acts like she's fine and happy but really she's self conches about the clothes she wears and the house she lives in.

told us to sit an eat. She told me that she called my parents to let them know I'm safe then checked my wounds and bruises and asked me if were alright, did I mention she's a nurse. I told her I was fine and felt find but she didn't believe me but didn't bother with it. She packed us both a lunch and drove us to school since it was only thursday. Going through the school day was painful, people kept asking what happened to me but Joy always interrupted when I didn't say anything. She just told them something completly random and they walked away thinking she was werid. I thanked her each time. Then the day came to an end.

My mother as always picked me up. The car rude was slient. Almost dead until Mara turned on the radio. When we got home I didn't speak to them both just headed straight to my room. When dinner came, I didn't go down. I didn't want dinner and I didn't want to talk to them. I wanted to leave this house and I would to if I had my bike but it's still at Joys.

I just layed in the dark looking up at my ceiling that was full of stars that Nate helped me stick up there about two years ago when I was ten. There was also some planets up there and shooting stars but I know that stars don't actually look like that. They are big balls of engergy and gas.

My night would have been alright but dad came home. He yelled at me about how stupid I was then left.

* * *

><p>I winced at the memory. It angered me. I through my acholic beverage at the fireplace that I never used. My mind was stirring. This is how it ends,I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream. I feel my self fading out. It's ending. My bloodstream is burning. I'm finally saying goodbye. This is the end of this man.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

I woke to a white hospital light blinding my blue eyes. My head pounding and my body aching. A nurse walked in giving me a tray of food. She smiled as she saw my awkake.

"Morning Fabian" she says happily.

"Willow? Willow Jenks?" I asked getting up running my eyes seeing if I see this correctly.

"The one and only" she smiles. Still full of sunshine.

"So how is life ?" She asked obviously knowing nothing about what happened last night and what has been happening resently.

Before I can answer another body walks in. He smiles. "Hello little brother". I try to smile but it turns into a frown once again.

"I'll just leave you two" Williow says patting me shoulder and smiling at the two of us leaving the room.

Nate pulled a chair up and sat on the right side from the bed having the window light shine on his back.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine"

"Oh the lies, Fabian. It's me. You can tell me" he assures me.

"Does mum and dad know I'm here?" I asked him

"Dude, everyone knows you're here. You are freaking Fabian Rutter, reporters are waiting outside the hospital." He tells me.

"Wish I wasn't" I mutter

"What happened man?" He started. He stood up pushing his chair back. "What happened that made you break and feel like suicde is the only answer?"

I ignored the question. "What makes you think, I tried to commit?"

"Fabian"

"Nate"

"I'm serious"

"So I'm I"

"I'm about to break your neck Rutter" he threaten. I leaned towards him.

"Will you please hurry and do it"

"Is it Amber? Is that why you've gone mad? Because the breakup"

"No"

"Them what is it that Nina girl? Fabian you need to get over her. I know it's hard because you were in love but-"

"No you don't know" I state

" I don't? Well sorry I never realized that your the only one that experienced heartbreak" Nate says. I crossed the line I guess.

"I'm just saying that-"

"That you are the only one that goes though pain? Ha yeah totally, I mean everything bad happens to Fabian Rutter right?" He says. I didn't mean that.

"Woah, children's calm down" I hear. Jerome Clarke my shrink. He leaned on the door frame. He didn't look very professional as always, he wore a white shirt and blue jeans but he did wear a dress coat. His hair was as neat as it usually was, wasn't messy persay but wasn't neat.

"Clarke?" Nate asked

"Good day to you to Nathaniel" he smiled at my brother who just rolled his eyes.

Jerome walked in. And pulled up a chair beside Nates. They both sat looking at me.

"So you want to explain yourself?" Jerome asked. I shake my head no.

"Keeping those feelings of yours inside is what got you in this situation" he states.

"I tried to get out but obviously it didn't turn well" I say mostly to myself.

"Oh what a shame, The hard hard life of being a successful millionaire" Jerome says. Does he not know how to shut his mouth?

" I was bullied and beat by my own parent as child and then got disowned. Then the girl I loved teared my heart out and I was forced into another relationship a mean fake Barbie doll and my bestfriend decided on stabbing me in the back!" I blow at him.

He face remains the same like it didn't affect his opinion at all.

"And you ditched your other bestfriend. Remember her?" I hear a voice. Joy's voice.

She stood at the door frame. Her hair curly and long, it got a lighter shade of brown as it got to the bottom. She wore very little neutral coloured makeup. Dressed in a navy jumper and pitch black leggings with some leather patches. She wore high-heeled boots after all she looked really really pretty.

"J-Joy?" Was all I could manage out of my mouth.

She have me a werly smile before fulling walking into the room another girl followed wearing an outfit similar to Joys except she wore a black jumper and maroon skirt with black boots. I reconised her, Mara Jeffray. Joy pulled up a chair on my left side instead of my right like Nate and Jerome while Mara just stood beside were Jerome sat having there's no more chairs left.

"How are you feeling?" Joy asked.

"Like crap and shit and poop and all other bad things out together" I say playing with my hospital bracelet.

"Great, you two made it just in time for story time" Jerome said. I don't like him one bit.

"How do you and Nate know eachother?" I asked .

"We're best mates young one" was his answer he smiled at my brother and right que Nathaniel rolled his eyes at him.

"Don't like Rutter, you love having me around" Jerome says before turning to Mara.

The two said something to one another but I couldn't hear, then he pulled her down and she sat on his lap. Is Mara is girlfriend?

"Are you two dating?" I asked them.

"Engaged actually but continue about how your celeb life is sad" he says.

"Be nice Jerome" Mara tells him and I repeat what she says "Yeah, be nice Jerome"

He rolls his eyes and I smirk.

He asked me a couple more questions like he does in our therapy sessons. He asks me about Nina since that's where we left off and everyone listens oh so very closely as I talk about the fight that put our relationship on the highway to hell.

_**Line break**_

**"A**mber Millington? Fabian, are you freaking kidding me?" Nina looks at me with such disappointment, hurt and shame in her pale green eyes.

"Nina it's not how it looks. I don't even like her" I tell her trying to hold her still while she tried to pace.

"You don't like her? So what your just kissing her for no damn reason? Wow, well that's makes me feel like ten times better. Thanks Fabian." She flashed me a fake smile taking her hand and combing it through her long wavy ombred hair.

" It's a scam Nina, for publicity" I exclaimed.

"So you're lying to your fans now?" She asked

"No, Nina I didn't and still don't want to do it" I tell her she shakes her head.

"Then why are you? Why are you doing this Fabian?"

The question stricked me. She knows why. She knows I love music and singing and the feeling I get when I sing infront of huge fans. The thril you get from the screaming crowd. One of the best things ever life can give you.

"I love music Nina, I love the thrill I get from every performance. I love strumming my guitar and hearing the music it makes. I love that panic phase I go through before every single show and the screaming that echos the entire room. I love the vibrating I feel in my feet from the drum banging on stage I love-"

"I know you love that Fabian. Music is your thing of course you love that but.. Never thought you turn out the way"

"And what way is that?"

"Like the rest of them. Hollywood. Doing whatever it takes to stay on top and get the big bucks"

"I'm not in-"

"Fabian I can't anymore, I just... I'm sorry" and with that she walked away. She left me there alone the drown in my tears.

* * *

><p>"Wow" Nate says but I look at Jerome waiting for his rude snarky comment. He doesn't say anything.<p>

"Yeah" I just say.

Williow the entered the room with her bright usual smile. She asks me how I'm feeling and checks my blood pressure, ruffling up my hair before she leaves the room again.

Jerome says see you tommorow and Mara says her goodbyes letting me know if I need anything call her. She was doctor, no suprise there. She left her number on a scrap piece of paper on the white nightstand beside my mechanical hospital bed. Jerome followed her out the door.

Joy, Nate and I talk for a little while after but he decided to ditch me after twenty minutes, That asshole.

Now it was just Joy and I and the popping Williow who walks in and out every couple minutes.

"So.." She sad putting a strand of lose hair behind her little ear.

"I'm sorry" I tell her. She gives me a werly smile before opening her mouth to speak "are you?"

"Yeah"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay"

"Okay"

She laughed "Fabian Daniel Rutter stop it!"

I chuckled a little "Yeah, okay"

* * *

><p><strong>Question: Do you guys even like this story? Or should I just not waste my time on it? because hardly any reviews lately for my stories on the HOA fanfics, I'm thinking on moving on to like different um topics and I'm not sure if I should even put my time into this one so yea. that's it. <strong>


	5. Chapter 5

I spent the night in the hospital having my brother Nate pick me up and drop me off at home. He explained to me how he was the one to find my unconscious body.

He told me about how scared and worried he was that night and how he couldn't sleep and his wife Grace tried to get him to clam down but Nate wouldn't until three in the morning.

He then proceeded to call me a douche and told me to never ever try to pull a stunt like that again. He even made pinky promise.

So now I sat in my living room with a big blanket covering me waist down and a two pillows behind me. I still felt uncomfortable.

I tried watching tv going through all Chanel's but nothing interest me. Then I went through Netflix but considering the fact that besides my celeb life I have no social life and like one friend, I've seen most of this.

So I tried reading but I've read every single book/article/magazine in my entire house already...twice.

I just stared at the ceiling ignoring calls and text messages I was getting. I let my self think about people and life and all the things I hate. I don't know why I would go there again but I did.

Finally after about an hour I decided to get up and do something because of the fear of going ludicrously mad.

I looked at the the scrap paper with Mara's number on it, it now sat on my coffee table along with cold tea and my laptop.

I took out my cell phone and debated on calling it. If I call it and she does come over what would we do? If I call it and she comes over the next time I see Jerome there's a good chance I might get pounded to but If I don't call it I would go mad of boredom.

So l let my pale fingers dial the number _504-546-8924_ it rang two times before there was an answer.

_"Hello?" _

"Hi, It's uhh Fabian"

_"Oh, hello... are you alright Fabian?" _

Physically I'm fine..ish. Mentally I'm screwed up inside, I just have a good job at hiding it.

"Are you busy?" I ask her instead, playing with the sides of my big fluffy warm blanket.

_"No, not all"_ she tells me.

"...well you umm maybe want to hang out" I ask, she doesn't answer.

"As friends I mean" I quickly tell her just in case. No words.

"Mara?" I ask.

_"Oh yeah, sorry. I got distracted. Jerome and Alfie are doing something really werid"_ she tells me, I laugh. _"I'll come right away."_

"Okay, later I guess"

_"Later" _

* * *

><p><em>*Knock knock knock* <em>

The sounds echo in my dead slience house. Mara must be here.

"Doors open!" I yell out.

I hear the front door open and close them lock. Mara walks in taking off her red coat revealing her in a black circle skirt with grey stockings and a black shirt. She looked like she had no makeup on. She sat at the little spot at the end of the couch having that I layed on most of if. She placed her red coat gently on the arm rest and place her black leather beg on the floor next her feet. She looked at me intensely for a moment.

"Are you okay Fabian?" She asked. I didn't answer.

"You wanna talk about it?" She offered.

"I do talk about it, with my therapist. Your soon to be husband, remember?"

"Yeah but Jerome can be a little..intimidating sometimes"she reminds me.

"I know" I relpy and we sit in silence for a little while but it wasn't really awkward but at the same time it wasn't that comfortable slience ether.

"I miss Nina" I admit putting an end to the dead slience. Mara raised an eyebrow at me.

"Random I know" she just smiles.

"I think she feels the same about you" she starts "but I think that's why she left you" she added putting an end to my short hope. My frown grew longer.

"The irony is if my career and music didn't exist in about 3 lovely years Nina would probably be my wife and we'd have a kid" I spill out.

Mara looks at me sympathetically. She opens her mouth to speak but doesn't. So I keep talking and she keeps listening.

"Eventually I'll be fine I know that it was never meant to be but either way, I guess I'm not prepared from what life has to prepare" I go on "Funny, they say things happen for a reason but what's the reason for all the things that happened in my life... It did nothing but screwed me up"

"Fabian" she says. I ignore her and keep going.

"And to think she loved me. She went out with my best friend!"

"I know how that feels Fabian but-"

"No you don't."

"I went out with Mick Campbell for two and a half years, I have Mick two and a half years of my life then he decides to dump me and date my best friend, I mean I know I told her she could but it still hurt" Mara reminds me off past events. "I know that it hurts but sometimes all you can do is suck it up and carry along even if that means you dragging your self because you lost your way to walk"

I think about her words and don't reply I just smile at her.

"Fabian, I don't know what life has to bring you but I promise you it will be alright and you'll make it through. You have me and your brother and Jerome and Joy by your side and that guys to, what his name? Eric Miller? I don't know but the point is; you have friends by your side even though not all your family is here for you. We are. I am, we were friends when we were younger and we will be friends now" she tells me making me smile inside but it comes out small on the outside.

"Thanks Mars" I call her by her nickname.

We sit I'm slience for a little while, she turns on the tv and goes on netflx clicking on a movie called 'The Kings of Summer'. I've already seen it, it's good. Like good good.

I think back to my childhood. I remember watching all these movies with Mick, Joy and Mara every single Friday.

* * *

><p><strong>I<strong> sat on the floor with Mara Jeffreay. While Mick Campbell, Williow Jenks and Joy Mecer sat on a two seated sofa. Joy behind myself and Mick behind Mara, Williow being Williow took the middle.

We were watching Santa paws at fourteen. Yeah.

Well we weren't really watching it, mostly just talking about how stupid it was. The lines, the script. How fake the talking dogs looked. How creepy Santa Claus was, I mean come on. What kinda pedofile watches kids all year to see of the are nice or naughty and determine if they deserve a present or not from the old big man and to make it worse he steals all your chocolate chip cookies. Rude.

We were in Mara Jafferays basement. Two popcorn bowls a bunch of pop and a bowl of candy. We sat with a lot of colourful pillows and blankets in total comfort.

We always went to Mara's for movie nights and occasionally Williows. My parents wouldn't let me do it at ours and Mick isn't allowed friends over without supervision and his family is always out. Joy always lied to them saying it was because of the same reason we couldn't have it at Micks but I really knew the real reason. She was externally embarrassed of her house and neighbourhood and her mothers lack of money and fancy things.

I looked up at Joy, Willow and Mick who were seated on the sofa. Joys eyes were on the tv while Mick was looking at Mara. His hand running through her dark wavy short hair.

Mara leaned back wispering words to Mick who just giggled at them brushing his blonde hair out of his eyes.

"Time for a hair cut, huh?" I say to him. Our eyes locked I have him that 'I saw that' look wiggling my eyebrows.

"You and him both" Mara said ruffling my dark brown almost black hair. I narrowed my eyes at her and she laugh.

"Hush! I'm trying to watch this" Joy hissed us.

"Joy you've seen this movie ten thousand times" Mick reminded the brunett who just glared at the athlete.

Mick raised both his hands up in defense muttering "Ohh sassy"

"Shut up" Joy told him, I chuckled.

"Be nice you two" Mara the peacekeeper warned them both pointing her little finger.

"Yeah yeah" Mick and Joy said in usion.

"Shh! People this is the good part. Paws is about to save Santa!" Williow said with such excitement. She threw someone popcorn in side her mouth. We all rolled our eyes at the ginger.

Since Nate left, moments like this are what keep me going. I love them.

* * *

><p>Mara's eyes were constrained on the movie.<p>

It was the montage part when the build the house and a bunch of funny things happen.

She laughed to herself while crossing her arms. I honestly am not that interested since I've seen the movie before but I didn't say anything. Just let her watch.

We watched a couple more movies, she brought me whatever I wanted when I wanted. I told her about my last couple of years and she listened.

Around 5:00pm Jerome came by with both Joy Mecer and Williow Jenks and this guy named Alfie. He's really funny.

It was nice. Just watching movies with old friends. The only thing that could possibly make this better is having my man Eddie Miller here but he's on set working on the squeal for his action movie with KT Rush and maybe even having Nate here would be pretty cool.

I feel happy like actually happy. The last time I smiled was so long ago. After Nina officially dumpede and my career sky rocketed high and Eddie became so busy with acting I kinda just stopped smiling all together. My music turned fake, I have ghost writers because my label wants me to do the mainstream pop to stay up top.

But now I'm okay. I guess Mara was right, about me being okay.

Joy snapped me out of my thoughts nudging me gently. She was seated nixed to me with Mara and Jerome sitting so closely and Alfie and Willlow on the other couch.

"You okay?" She asked. I have her a general smile.

"Yeah" I answered

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" I reply

"Okay" she looked away

"Okay" Is all I say

"Fabian" she warned me. I looked down and then back at her smiling her beautiful smile.

"Yeah, okay" I smirked, she groaned.

* * *

><p><strong>So obviously I'm still posting. Review? <strong>


	6. Chapter 6

"Fabian, you need to get up" Mara told me. She stood on the side of my bed.

"I don't want to" I hide my face underneath my pillows.

"Fabian!" She called.

It's been two weeks since my attempt and the movie day with friends. Mara has been popping in and out making sure I'm doing fine alongside Williow who keep on bringing me some baked goods but when Jerome and Allfie come over which they have about two/three times, they always end up eating it all before I get the chance to even have one but I'm okay with it. Mara is definitely the one who comes over the most. We've gotten closer.

She pulls the duvet that layed on top of me revealing my shirtless self. Luckily I had my pajama pants on.I groan and she raised and eyebrow.

"Don't be lazy, you've been sitting at home for the last two weeks. It's time to go out and feel the sunshine" she says smiling brightly.

"Mara. We live in England, there is no such thing as _sunshine_" I joke she laughs but then makes me get up.

She leaves the room to let me get ready. I go to my washroom which was attached to my bedroom. I stare at my reflection. My dark hair was messy and long, I haven't had a haircut in months. I took a comb and proceeded todo my usual style. Nice and meat. Them I splashed cold water on my face and brushed me teeth, taking as much time as I wanted since I don't feel like going out.

I went back into my bedroom and opened up my closet. I just stood there a stared at everything for a little while before nodding my head 'no'. I went into my dresser which had more causal clothing. I threw a pair of jeans and a black shirt with a hoodie that was a little to big.

I slowly walked down stairs meeting Mara at the bottom of the steps.

"And they say girls take forever to he ready" was all she said opening the front door.I ignored her comment. Putting on my black Chuck Taylor's.

We left the house and I followed her out to _her_ car. It was one of those two seated ones. It was sliver with a black strip.

I gave my friend a questioning look as she took out her keys to open the car.

"It's Jerome's car" she filled me in. Opening the doors. I go onto the passenger side.

"Makes sense" I say as she shits her door.

She rolls her eyes turning on the radio.

_"It's always the quiet ones" _it sang.

Mara looked at me smiling. You got to be kidding me, why my song. Why this song? The universe hates me, it's just hates me.

"Haven't heard this song in a while... Why did you change your music style?" Mara asked beginning do drive. I look at the houses as they passed by.

"My recorded label thought if I did more mainstream stuff I would make more sales" I start "My last album was even me, it was all written by someone else and then they auto tuned everything because apparently I can't sing now" I tell her. She took glanced over at me before looking at the road again.

"That explains it... Your music is much better, the lyrics the beat. The autotuned shit about sex and parties is NOT Fabian Rutter" Mara exclaimes

"Did Mara Jeffray just cuss?" I asked with a jaw dropped face.

"I just complimented you Fabian and that's all you heard?"

"Jerome is rubbing off on you" I tell her, she rolls her eyes and I chuckled. We don't talk for awhile as she drove into town and we listened to the radio. A total of three songs came on from me. I changed it each time because it was to werid.

"Mara, where are we going?" I ask her not even taking my eyes off the glassed window.

"Somewhere" was her answer. I hate that answer and I make sure she knows I hate yeah answer.

"Oh wow thanks, that helped a lot"

"Anytime, Rutter" I rolled my blue eyes and waited until we got there.

We passed my old flat. Haven't been there I'm a while. I moved out of there at nineteen when I left for Amercia. The last night I there was with Nina. I haven't spent time in the flat for while but when my manager called to tell me I should move to the states I officially moved out leave the old rusty flat.

* * *

><p><strong>W<strong>e layed with our feet on the opposite sides of the bed and our faces together. Talking about the most random things at two in the morning.

I'd be on tour almost every day recently and while I was home up in my crappy flat is where Nina and I would stay together. We'd go anywhere, our big minds would take us.

We'd stay up all might when we needed to sleep. She was staying here in the good old UK having her collage classes start again tomorrow while I was going to her home land country having that my music was on the top ten charts. Number one in Amercia actually.

We sat on the sofa around 3:00am watching an old DVD. The both of us weren't paying attention.

"You look beauitful" I tell her, she wasn't wearing makeup but she never hardly does and it's truth she does look beauitful. She nudges me and flashed me a little smile. I returned a larger one. Form ear to ear, probably looking like a doofus. She laughed reading my mind.

"I love you, Fabian" she announces kissing my cheek making me blush badly.

"And I you" I reply.

I move my head closer to hers, my lips brushed her light pink ones. I could feel her warm breath on mine. She rapped both her hands around my neck while I move mine to her tiny waist. Pushing my self against her, we kissed this time. She smiled I'm between kisses. Soon the pecks turned into a make out session.

I layed her down gently on the grey couch climbing on top of the amercian. Are lips didnt part once. We were off in our own little world. It was amazying.

Finally she pulled back a little for air, she was still close enough that I could feel her warm bubble gum breath. We locked eyes. My blue ones I'm her washed out green ones. They we're beautiful like her, i could probably stare at them for a life time.

" I don't want you to go Fabian" she admits, her lips brushing on mine. I look at them before going back to looking at her eyes.

She puts a hand in my hair gently running through the messy brownness.

"I know" is ask I say "don't think about it.. I don't want to think about. I Just want to be with you Nina.. for as long as I still can" I say and before she could reply my lips press against hers.

She sat up not breaking our kiss and my hands made if way inside her shirt feeling her warm light skin. It was...soft and smooth like Nina herself. Nina was soft, she would show it but the fact both her parents died made her weak I'm the knees; helpless with emotion. She was extremely smooth though, everyone likes her. Seriously everyone, little kids, old people and people our age, boys. I hate the boys though, not because in jeaoulous... Actually yeah I get jealous but it's Nina. She's perfect.

I lifted her shirt off her traveling her in a baby blue bra. She looked embarrassed with what was under there, I mean I know she doesn't have a lot a lot but she's perfect to me non attend what.

I started kissing the side of her mouth followed by cheek and jaw line then little pecks down her neck. She giggled and she was totally blushing but I carried on proud of myself. Kissing down her calour bone.

"Fabian" she mumerd and I came up looking at her smiling.

"Nina" I say.

"It's three in the morning" she notified me as if I didn't already know.

"Your right, we should be in bed" I say getting of the couch grabbing her hand and leading her to the room.

Once we got there I closed the plain white squeaking door proceeding to pin her against it kissing her hard. She kissed back taking of my shirt.

I pulled away looking her for a moment. "Your beauitful" I remind her we walked towards the bed again kissing until she pulled away.

"You tell me that all the time" she says

"Because it's true" I say, she pushes me on the bed and I smirk, Nina rolled her eyes. Climbing on top of my lap kissing me again.

We layed down.

"Are you sure you want to?" I ask she nodds.

"I want to" and we did. _We did it_. Oh yeah.

•••

We woke to the right light if the window blinding our eyes first thing. I looked at Nina who was trying to her face in my neck. She had a hand on my bare chest. I held it, our finger intertwined. I kissed her forehead then her hair. We layed in slience for a while smiling.

"Your going to miss your flight" she warns me.

"I don't care, I just want a couple more hours with you" and she she smiles. Then I smile. We spent the rest off the morning there, it was perfect until my manager _Jaspar_ called to yell at me for missing my flight.

* * *

><p>"Fabian!" Mara yelled bringing me out of my thoughts. I shake out of it.<p>

"Uhh yeah?" I ask comming back to _reality_.

"You zoned out" she tells me "Are you okay? What were you thinking about?" She innocently asks

"You drove passed my old flat" I tell her.

She parked and we had to walk down a block, I even didn't bother hiding my face. Everyone in town already knows who I am except probably new people. So they don't care. It only when we got the city I have to hide of else I get tackled by thirteen year old girls in leggings and uggs. It's not at all.

I couple people say hello to Mara but look at me like I killed a person. Rude.

We entered the old bowling ally. We used to hang out here all the time at fifteen, it's what replaced our movie nights.

"Bowling?" I frown.

"Come on, don't be such a deppy downer. This will be fun!" She tries reassuring me.

We go and get out glow in the dark bowling shoes. We met Jerome and Alfie down at the tables. Jerome kissed Mara and completly ignored me while Alfie asked how I was doing. Joy and Willow came down with some popcorn and slushes and later someone brought down the pizza that they ordered. I got a blue slushes just because I liked the color.

We went into teams. It was girls against boys.

So Mara, Williow and Joy say on the other side of the table. While Jerome, Alfie and myself sat on this side.

Sadly the girls were crushing us guys.

I remember when it was just the girls me and Mick. Mick was so competive, like ten times more than both Jerome and Alfie. He would get so pissed if he didn't win.

Alfie and Williow are like cheerleaders, they keep cheering for the other team. I like how they both are super enthusiastic. Happy no matter what always looking on the positive side like Mara but ten times more. Joy kept whispering things to Mara and Jerome was more interested in the food them anything else. He told some really funny jokes that got us all cracking I'm laughter get stares from everyone else the Ally.

I myself am not that into the game maybe because I suck at bowling and another other _sport_ but this is actually sort of fun. Just hanging with them I mean, even Jerome which takes a lot in me to say.

Mara went to the washroom after finishing her drink, Williow came with telling Mara something she obviously didn't want the rest of us to know. Alfie and and Jerome them went to the little arcade section trying to win prizes. Leaving me an Joy who just sat there awkwardly.

"So, enjoying yourself?" I ask trying to make conversation. Joy was the best bowler ever, she can play and pound everyone in this game with both eyes closed and hand behind her back...on one foot. Oh yeah.

She didn't reply right away. She was looking at something else, someone else.

"Joy?" I caught her attention.

"What? Yeah" she answers. I try to look behind me but she yells at me not to.

I give her a questioning look. She tries to defense herself right away.

"It's just there's this really gross guy, you don't wants to see that" she lies. I know she's lying. When she lies she doesn't fulling look at you and she bites her lip after.

"Your lying" before Joy can say or do anything. I look behind me my eyes locking with another's.

I look back to Joy who was mentally face palming her self. I stand walking towards the person, I can tell Joy was following me trying to make sure I don't do something stupid.

She looked at me before speaking.

"Fabian?"

* * *

><p><strong>So I just want to clear one thing up fast, it's not that i'm desperate for reviews more that I want to know how to write better and when almost no one reviews and he chapter got a lot of views i don't know if i'm becoming better as a writer or worse. Another thing, I'm currently on my lunch break decided to go home today to avoid eating lunch a lone in school so If this chapter has some errors it's simply because i'm kind of rushing but I'll make sure to fix them later. So um yeah, please review and let me know how i'm doing. Until next time...<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

"Fabian?" She asked. Putting her cold drink down. Her jaw dropped to the floor. She looked so different. She wore a little pale pink dress with side cut outs. Her blonde/brown hair long and wavy.

"Maritdith" I say sternly. Infornt of me stood no other but Maritdith Hazel Rutter. My dead little sister.

She was clearly shocked but she sorta looked glade to see me. I on the other hand am nowhere near happy to see her.

"Fabian" Joy says putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey Joy" Mare happily says to my friend.

"No. You don't get to do that" I feel the bloody rushing through my vain.

"You don't get to say 'hey Joy' " Mare's smile turns to a frown but I keep speaking.

"She's not your friend.. She's mine" I say. I feel Joy grip tighten letting me kink I need to stop but Ignore her.

"Okay Fabian calm down" Mare says. I raise an eyebrow at her taking a step closer to the teen.

"Calm down? Calm down? Mare are you freaking kidding me?" I raise my voice.

"Fabian Henry Rutter" I hear, it was my aunt Sal. She was from my fathers side with her dark hair and eyes. I just noticed her but brushed her warning off as well. She stop talking to me when my father disowned me then proceeding to call both me and Nate _worthless slackers_, that bitch.

"I'm sorry" Mare apologizes. Yeah right, she not sorry. My fathers not sorry, my slut mother isn't sorry ether and so is aunt Sally.

"Yeah right, if you were sorry you would have contacted me but here I am. Coming to _you_ Mare" I remind her.

"Fabian" I hear Joy say. I don't care.

"I." She didn't say anything else.

"Dame right, you had five years Mare and you ignore me all those years. Your just like them both... Our parents except worse" I excalimes.

"No" I hear her mutter in her faint voice.

"You know what's bad about you mare?" I ask, she doesn't answer so I do instead.

"You know exactly, what your doing is wrong but you still do it anyway. You go along with mum and dad anyway. You could have parted from them three years ago but no. You stay with them and their rules!" I blow out her, everyone looks at us. I could see Jerome, Mara, Willow and Alfie from the corner of my eye. I ignore them.

I owed my voice speaking faintly so only she could hear. I was practically whispering in to her ear.

"You can burn in hell with the rest of them Mare." I say what's on mind not thing first.

"I only have _one_ thing I really I want to say Mareirdth. _Why? Why little sister why_?"

With that I walked away leavening the crowed staring. They had cellphones in there hands recording the whole scene, this is probably going to blow up on the internet by tomorrow morning. Maybe even Nina will see it.

•••

I sat on the empty parking lot with a half full Slurpee by my side. Joy sat beside me, she didn't say anything. She just sat.

I thought about my _family_. I thought about how rude I just was to Mare. What have I become? If this what Nina was talking about that day? Is Hollywood having a bad affect on me.

I remember my father the day I signed my record deal.

* * *

><p>"Fabian this is stupid, your a smart kid. Go to collage, become a doctor!" My father told me.<p>

We stood in the foyer of my house.

"Dad, this is my chance. I may never have one again"

"Good, I don't want you to turn into a Hollywood bastard" he says harshly

"I love music. I'm going to do this"

"No one in my house will do such thing" he warms me. Mum and Mare walk in.

I stay silent. Not sure how to reply. One thing could trigger the beast to come out.

"You heard me Fabian? If you stay in this house, your music will have to go" he said so simply like it took nothing.

".. I guess I'm not staying in this house than" I say quietly.

"I guess your not" he says turning his back to me. "I want you out by midnight.. Don't ever come back. You bring great shame to this family, just like your brother Natheniel"

He walked upstairs after that. My mother didn't say anything she took one last look at me and walked up the stairs following me father.

"Mare" I start but she cuts me off. "Bye Fabian" she leaves the room. Not even looking at me. They left me like that.

I went downtown to the office and signed the deal before going to Nate's, he have me a home when the rest of my family couldn't. When the rest of my didn't want to.

* * *

><p>I take another sip of my slurpy, offering a sip to Joy. She refused and I put the plastic down with the sugary goods.<p>

I felt tears swell in my eyes. Joy stares at me not saying anything. I could see from the comer of my eye. I don't know if it was that she didn't know what to say or that she doesn't want to say anything. She just didn't speak.

"It was so easy for him" I croak out, my voice was hoarse. I look at Joy, she looked sad for me.

"It was so easy for him to let me go off into this wild wrold alone" I keep talking hurt from my memories with my father.

"And they. They just. Watched, just like that. No emotion, no tears. Just walked away form me as if I were a random meaningless object" I let the tears fall loosing my man creds but I don't care. I just don't want to think this way. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Why won't this pain just leave me alone.

She rapped her hands around me pulling me into a warm safe hug.

"Why don't they care?" I ask sobbing into her small shoulder. My dignity is now gone.

"Shh" she says brushing me hair back she pulled my head back studying me red face. My blue eyes probably standing out and my messy hair in my face.

"It's okay Fabian" she starts and I wipe tears away sniffing.

"I-I just want this to stop, I want the pain to stop" I tell her

She pulls me knot a hug again. Why am I doing this, I never cried this much. Not to anyone, I've never been this broken.

"What have I become?"

"Look at me, Fabes" she calls me by the old nickname. My eyes landing on her brown ones. I never saw if before but they sparkle.

"You had a rough life, a rough time and obviously your recovering" she speaks still holding me making me loose my manliness twice the speed a second.

"Your not perfect, but again. Who is? We're all just stranded people trying to find away. Trying to survive in this little infinity" she says.

"Yeah?" I ask

"Yeah" she answers

"Okay" my words turning into whispers.

"Okay" now her words whispers.

"Joy.." I warned her like she usually does me, she chuckled.

"Yeah, okay" she says.

We sit there in the empty parking lot in a comfortable silence. Soon her head was resting on my shoulder. She held her cardigan crossed together tightly from the cold and I kept my hands inside the sleeves of my hoodie.

We sit for about fifteen minutes before the rest of the hand finds us. Alfie wiggled his eyebrows at me like there was something going in while Jerome just smirked. I told him to go fuck him self but Mara hit the back of my head saying that was disrespectful then hit Jerome when he laughed then threaten Joy and Alfie when the cracked out laughing, they put there hands up in defense.

Alfie and Williow are the first to leave since they are going away to a trip for a couple of weeks. Next was Jerome and Mara who told me she will call me later, holding her finances hand all the way back to the car. They are so in love.

Joy gave me a ride home. Most of it was silent. When got there I offered her a drink and she took it following me inside.

We sat on the counter drinking a juice box. I don't even know why I have juice boxes but I do. I was like a little kid, struggling to put my straw in. How helped me. I made a joke about me loosing my man points to her today and she replied by saying "you can't loose what you never had". I faked being hurt by it.

She told me about how she writes for a magazine and how she talked to her dad. She said they aren't close or anything but it's nice to have him there sometimes. She also told me how collage was completely stressful for her and how she's glad she's out. She also told me about some future plans of hers, like traveling the world, getting married and settling down.

"I even want to do something crazy like get a tattoo" she says, I raise an eyebrow at his statement. Joy Mercer and and needles don't mix.

"What?"

"You cried when you got a needle once...we were like sixteen" I remind her.

"Okay, that nurse like stabbed it in me..twice saying she missed the spot the first time" Joy defends herself

"Yeah right" I say with sarcastic she rolls her eyes.

"...I have a tattoo" I admit. Now she raised an eyebrow.

"Fabian Rutter has a tattoo, daddy Rutter would be so ashamed" she nodded her head me with her playful joke.

I just strung.

"She me" she demands.

"You sure?" I ask she nods.

I get off the stool I sat at throwing out my empty juice box and getting another. I look at her, she waited patiently to see it. I took of my shirt and even though I could see her I know she probably had a questioning look in her smal face.

She looked at my bare front searching the tattoo.

I pull down the front of my pants slightly revealing more of the v-line. There in blood black/green writing said "Daddy's little angle" she read the words out loud and laugh at it.

"It was a joke. I got it done with Eddie around May, last year." I explain.

"You got a matching tattoo wih Eddie Miller, is there something you'd like to let me know?" She asked jokenly.

"His is a little different, but it's an inside joke. Both our dad's weren't the best" I fill her with details.

"But that's just one of them" I say, she gave me a questioning look.

I turn around to reveal another tattoo. It was a bunch of words put together to make the shape of an elephant. Quotes from great poets in literature actually. It was around me shoulder but at the back.

On my lower back above my but starting at the side were a couple doves flying off. I felt her touch it, sending a cold shock thought my body. She hesitated before touching it once more but it was clear she wanted approval.

"It's okay, you can touch it" I let her know and she does. Her hands were cold but soft.

She followed the birds as they flew.

"Each bird symbioses people in my real life" I start "there's twelve, some for the people who broke me and some for the people who saved me."

Her fingers moved slowly to the other tattoo but I still talked about the doves. I felt tingling but ignored it.

"One for my father, mum, Nate and Mare. They broke me except Nate. Then one for Mick and Nina who destroyed me. One for Amber Millington who buried me a live and KT Rush who drowned me in an ocean full of people watching but they didn't once save me." I continue.

Joys now warm hand stopped moving.

"One for Patricia who helped me up and Eddie who build me up again." I speak.

Her hand didn't move from my back and I stood still. I little tense but still.

"One for Mara who was my friend and one for-" I turn around and looked at Joy in the eye.

"And one for you, who always saved me after an accident" I speak.

I found that's our faces were a dew inches away. I could hear her breathe with the loud silence that filled the room. Her hand was no longer searching my body and her innocent brown eyes looked into my blue ones. I slightly smiled at the women who stood before me trying to release awkward tension but only brought more.

"Uhh, I should be going. Long ride home" she tells me looking at our hands. I still didn't move it. I swallow before I spoke again.

"See you tomorrow?" I say "you know at Mara's get together" I add.

"Yeah" she answers

"Yeah?"

"Yeah"

"Okay"

"Okay" and with that she left me alone in my empty lonely house to think about what I just did. I kissed Joy Mecer..on the mouth and I liked it. Did she like it? Do I like her? Is it just my loneliness taking over? Am I even over Nina?

I remember my relationship with Nina Martin. I was helplessly in love with the american but tragically our love just lost the will to live. Would I kill to give it one more shot? I think... not.

* * *

><p><strong>Arthur's Note: Ha Ha Ha, I Baze.K am not predictable. It wasn't Nina but instead the little sister but don't you worry children, Nina will be making a live appearance in a chapter or maybe more then a chapter. Maybe they end up together. Maybe they don't. Who knows besides me but that's a secret I'll never tell. Also by live I mean she will be there physically with Fabian in the story instead of a flashback, I actually just finished writing the last chapter which is chapter number twenty but the story actually finishes at number nineteen. I can't explain it without giving it away nut I think twenty will be really interesting and you'll enjoy it very much or cry, I don't know. We'll see. Anyways thanks for the reviews. I just have one question; If I were to put Fabian into a relationship who would you like him to be with? Besides Mara and Willow obviously, those are married women or to be married. Then Patricia is with Eddie and it can't be Amber which leaves KT and Joy, then again It could be Erin, Sophia, Piper or even Cassie but I don't think your into that. I'm in a really good mood right now so that's why I'm writing lots but I'll leave you to the rest of your day. Until next time.. <strong>

**~Baze **


	8. Chapter 8

My phone buzzed as it were all morning. It was my manager Jasper.

I just continued to eat my captain crunch cereal at two in the afternoon, why? Because am a grown up and I'm allowed to eat _captain crunch_ at two in the afternoon if I want. Oh yeah.

I listened to my playlist sitting in the counter island. I was still in my pajamas only this time I wore a shirt. My hair was still messy and I still haven't gotten that hair cut.

It's been precisely over seventeen hours since I stood shirtless, face inches apart from my old best friend Joy Mercer and that's all I can think about. Her and Nina. It was bad enough thinking about Nina all the time now her and Nina. Hell had taken over my Brian.

If Eddie were here he'd say "_Shut up and get your shit together, man!_" Then I would roll my eyes at him and he would flash his signature smirk with pride.

My thoughts were put to a halt when a tall blonde boy walked info my kitchen grabbing an apple and taking a bite of it.

"Hello" he winked. I looked around, no one to be seen probably because I live alone.

"How'd you get in?" I ask

"The front door" he answers with a smirk.

"Jerome!" I loose my cool.

"Rutter" he sad calmly

"This is breaking an entry, you know" I inform him as if he cares.

"What are you gonna do? Call the cops, because the cops is Alfie and we all know how well that would go" he says. Alfie's a cop since when? I can't picture him arresting anybody, he cried for a bee when it died.. He's twenty-four.

"That's exactly what I'm gonna do, and I won't use Alfie as the cop" I reassured him. Mara walked in standing next to Jerome taking an apple.

"Can Mara punish me instead, I like when she punishes me" he says facing Mara, winking at her.

"Jerome!" She slaps his arm he chuckles kissing his cheek.

"You two are disgusting" I say before eating more of my cereal. They roll there eyes at me in unison.

Mara took out an envelope setting it in front of me with full excitement. "Your invited" she sang with a jump.

I scanned the card inside the white envelope. It read '_you are invited'_ inside had all the information.

I looked at the two fiances. "So it's official?" I ask. Jerome nods his head going into my almost empty refrigerator grabbing a soda.

"Can you get me one?" I ask and he actually does. Mara nods her head at us in shame of our unhealthy food habits but we happily open it and drink.

"Next month I'll be " she says

"You hear that Mrs and Clarke put together" she squeals.

"You're really excited" I state the obvious.

"Anyone would be excited to marry me" Jerome says. Mara and I roll our eyes at Jerome's cocky attitude.

"Offended" he says

"Anyway..Jerome really wants to ask you something" Mara says smiling brightly.

"Not really" he sips his soda

"Ask him!" She hisses at her boyfriend.

"Is there something I should know?" I but in

"Jerome if you want to ask me something full free but just in case your wondering I'm not gay-" I joke

"No not that, I'm not gay, Fabian. I like boobs, a lot" Jerome defends himself, I put my hands up in defense while Mara laughs.

"Would you Fabian Rutter like to be my groomsman?" Jerome mutters quietly

"What? I didn't hear" I lie to piss him off.

"I'm going to slap you, Rutter" he threatens

"I'll be honored... Does this mean we're friends!" I ask the blonde

"No, this means Mara's bossy and I have no other friends, I'm not really social." Jerome admits.

"You will walk down with Joy" Mara fills me in. Oh great. Just great. Now my feelings can take over an screw me up more.

"I thought Nate was going to walk down with her" Jerome says to Mara. Nate?

"What Nate is also-"

"I'm friends with your brother, he's gonna be in the wedding along side you. Get over-" Jerome says before finding back to Mara who told him to be nicer.

"No he's going to walk with Poppy" she tells him.

"No! I don't want him anywhere near my little sister!" Jerome Says

"To bad" Mara says with a flip of a hair and I chuckle.

Sassy, I like it. Jerome rolled his eyes at his soon to be wife taking a sip of his soda. The room fell silent. As we ate.

"So when at you going to tell him" Jerome broke the loud buzzing silence.

I raised an eyebrow at my dead friend Mara wanting know what the hell Jerome's talks about. She looked down silently cursing Jerome for the subject coming up. He moved away a little form his glaring feature wife. She looked at me and hesitated before speaking.

"Promise you won't get mad at me?" She says. I stay quiet for a moment.

"I make no promises" I say but then add "I promise I want get mad at you Mara Jeffrey"

"Okay good... Nina may or may not be attending the wedding" She says waited for me to blow at her. I don't.

"Really?" I asked. She nods her head in conformation.

"Okay" I say continuing to eat my cereal. The two lovers raise an eyebrow at me obviously not expecting me to react this way. The were probably expecting me to the Fabian I was at twenty- two when I went completely Lohan and threw fits whenever something didn't go my way.

I remember when Jasper was yelling at me after I did just that and then Eddie tried to talk to me but I got pissed at him and we got into a fight.

* * *

><p><strong>I<strong> entered the birthday bash standing next to my girlfriend Amber Millington. Who actually looked at me with worry.

"Fabian are okay?" She asked looking me up and down.

My head down to my toes were messy and I was stoned as ever. I was wet, my hair sicked together. Water particles keeping them attach.

" I'm perfect" I whisper in her ear. She said 'excuse me' to the people she was just speaking with pulling me off to the side and I smiled sheepishly at them wobbling as she walked me away.

"Where were you!" She asked her grey eyes widening and anger danced around.

"Out" I say looking around. The party was filled with celebs, from actresses to musicians to models, athletes and dancers. I heard of most them but never spoke to any.

"Why are you wet, Fabian your not telling me something!" She hissed at me.

"Calm down Ambs, I'm fine I just went for a dip in the pool with KT nothing serious" I explain she frowns at the name _KT_. They hate each other.

I ditched earlier smoking illegal weed, getting high as two kites flying In the sky with singer/actress KT Rush. We might have made out for a little while, when we needed to breathe

we'd use each other's air just for the people to see, flipping them off after when they stared for awhile. Laughing at nothing for hours in between.

"Are you serious?" She asked.

I brushed her blonde hair that was curled at the bottom back. She wore a red dress that showed cleaveag, not to much but enough to look sexy and daring. I smiled at her and she have me a questioning look.

"Very" I say. She took my hand that rested in her should down and I pouted at the model/actress but quickly stop taking an alcoholic drink from a by passer without care.

"When you decide to stop being such a douche, come to me" she says walking away.

"Nahh I'm good" I take a sip of the poison smiling proudly.

"Let's get this party started" I say to myself going on to the dance floor and handing a random person my drink.

Dirty dancing. Dirty dancing everywhere. There was grinding and twerking and making out but very little actual dancing that didn't include buts shaking in people faces. I mean it was fun to watch but what has this world come to?

A girl with ombrèd hair came up to me. She said something but I didn't hear so I just nodded and smiled at her. She swayed her hips like a punch drunk pendulum and my mind started to hammer. I let my hands slide down her gyrating hips that went to the rhythm of the pop song. She arched her sweltering back, her sleek thighs tangling with mine. Thick steamy heat filled the air as other danced closely around. We were free and wild. My father would be ashamed of my actions at the moment, but who cares. He's not here and I'm no longer his since he disowned me. I'm just a lonely Rutter trying to survive.

The fun was cut in half when I felt tugging at my shoulders. I turn to find Jasper who then dragged me by the ear to a room that seemed to be a mini library or something. You could see others outside the glass window.

"What?" I start "What do you freaking want from me?" I yell doing all these crazy over the top actions. Every second that past thing began to be more dizzy and blurry. It was hard trying to stay balanced.

"Amber told me she thinks something's wrong with you, are drunk right now?" He asks "I think you need to get back home"

"Amber told you?" I laugh scaring the old man. "She's a slut and a dirty, dirty little liar" I exclaimed he frowned.

"Fabian, your drunk and unwell"

"I'm fine! I'm perfectly find Jasper" the hand motions began again and I loose my balance falling to the ground. I point at him

"Okay maybe I'm not that fine" I don't get up from the cold floor. I notice Eddie walking in the room along side his on and off girlfriend Patricia Williamson. Eddie helps me out.

"Hey mate" I say my voice deep and raspy.

"You are drunk" is all he says. I groan turning away from the three.

"I'm fine, I'm not even that high" I defend my self.

"No your drunk and you need to go home" Jasper tells me grabbing my be the arm. I pull it back.

"I don't want to go, I want to party" I state calmly.

"Fabian" Jasper warns.

I take a bottle of tequila that sat on the table. Eddie took away from me. That asshole.

"Mate!" I frown at my friend.

"Jasper a right, your drunk. Go home!" Eddie tells me

"Or what? Your going to get your little girlfriend to punch me out?" I ask starting to see double. Eddie stares at me for a moment before punching to the ground.

"I don't need to get my girlfriend because unlike you, I can't punch someone and make it hurt" he walked out the room with Patricia trailing behind.

"That asshole" I mutter getting up.

I grab a vase and throw it out of anger. Jasper continues to yell at me before taking me home. Amber came over the next morning to see if I were okay, we actually had a moment after that. I actually saw the good in her for the first time and not the snobby pretty rich slut everyone brings her to be.

* * *

><p>"Rutter?" Jerome snaps me back to the present.<p>

"Oh what, yeah?" I look at the two lovers who had questioning faces.

"So?" Mara asked and I remember we were just talking about Nina who I will see in about a month at the wedding I'm taking part in.

Nina Martin. Part of me is excited about reuniting with her but part of me never wants to see her again. She dumped me and never told me why, she just said '_I can't do this anymore, Fabian'_ and left me to grieve alone but I wasn't alone. I drowned my sorrows in scotch, tequila, whiskey and vodka. Whatever I can find that could maybe make me forget for a few hours. Then she did worst thing possible go out with who was supposed to be my best mate Mick.

I don't want to see Nina. If I see her again I could ether fall in love with her all over again or go mad. Most likely the second one. If I see Nina Martin I just may relapse into my drinking habits once more and I don't want to. I don't want to be sad all the time anymore and I don't want cry myself a river every night. I don't want to be a mad man anymore.

Went down that path before and I'm not going down again.


	9. Chapter 9

It's been a month since I saw my little sister and the moment with Joy and since I heard the news that I'm going to see Nina again. That is if she decides to go. Hopefully not. I mean I love her but. I don't love her, what am I saying.

I saw Joy at Mara's get together but it was kinda really awkward and she left early anyway.

Jasper came over this morning to talk about my career and we honesty got nowhere with it. We just argued for three hours straight before he got fed up with me and left telling me to think carefully before we made any final dissensions.

Jasper want me to continue with the label and make at least one more album before doing something else. He went on saying I'm still young at almost twenty-four and I could still do so much. The thing is if I do another album, I'll gain so much more popularity and more of the paparazzi will be at me feet again. I'll go crazy if a giant group of forty year old follow my every move once more waiting for me to screw up again. I pitched the idea of me becoming just a songwriter for others instead that way I don't get as much publicity as I get singing songs. Jasper shut it down saying it was completely ludicrous and that it would just disappoint _all_ my fans waiting for a third album.

I love Jasper like he was my father my entire life but sometimes I want to hit him in the face with a chair. The man never let's me do exactly what I want to do. Pisses me off.

So far the only thing I accomplish this month was not drinking, getting my manager pissed and making it awkward with Joy.

I still haven't gotten my hair cut and it's starting to get annoying since it's getting in my eyes all the time. I feel like I'm sixteen again with the shaggy _bieber_ hair.

I went to my refrigerator. It was empty, It's been empty for awhile since I haven't gone grocery shopping in a long, long while. I haven't really done anything productive in a long, long while. All I do now is watch TV and hang out with Mara or Jerome or Alfie and Willow when there not busy.

I would order pizza or something like I did the last couple weeks but I decided if I eat more take out I'm probably going to throw up. So I grabbed my car keys and a sweater and head out.

I drove into town. A song of mine came on like twice and that's when I shut It off driving the rest of the way in silence. I used to get excited every time I hear my song on the radio but most of my second album was written by others and were annoying and horrible and now I can't stand it. I don't understand why millions still decided to buy the shit album. I didn't even want to release It but I was forced to.

I parked my car and entered a local food mart. It wasn't to crowded by there were a lot of people there. I took a shopping cart and went down aisles picking what I wanted. I might have spent a lot of time in a couple of the junk food aisles but oh well.

I stood in line at cash register number five. A couple stood in front of me with a kid. Probably around four or five.

She looked at me and pointed saying _"Mummy that's Fabian Rut-er, Alyssa kisses the poster of him in her room all the time!"_ She calls out. I chuckled and so did her parents.

"What's a famous person like you doing here?"she asked

"I had no more food at home" I explain

"Don't you have people for that?" She ask

"Not here, I don't. Besides it's fun doing things in my own" I tell her.

She asks a bunch more questions until her parents tell her to stop and apologize on her behalf. I tell them is not big deal and autograph a magazine for the Alyssa girl the little girl talked about.

I then checkout my items waiting for the cashier to finish scanning so I can pay.

"Fabian?" I hear a deep voice. A voice that belong to Thomas Rutter. The voice that belong to my _father_.

"Dad?" I asks in disbelief that, that man of all people is standing in front of me.

"How's life?" He asks as if he actually did care.

"Have you not been paying attention to the media?" I asks.

Seriously, there's a magazine next to him with my face on it telling the world how screwed up I've become. I know made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me anymore but doesn't he ever check up on me just to see how I am?

"Fabian" he says. I pay the cashier and began to put things in begs ignoring me father.

"I know your upset with me-" I cut him off.

"Your my father and you beat my entire life then disowned! I'm more than a little upset Thomas" I say calling his by his first name.

"I know your mad at your mother and I but you don't have to take things out on your little sister" he talks about Meredith like she's the victim in all this. Haha funny.

"Are you serious?" I ask now loading everything into the cart.

"Fabian" he speaks.

"You mad a it clear five years ago that you didn't want anything to do with me, so why don't you stick to your word and do so" I say putting a pause to what I was doing.

I looked at him straight into the eyes something I always feared doing growing up in the Rutter household. He looked like he was about to say something but didn't.

"I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me one day " with that he walks always.

I hope I'll find it in my heart to forgive him as well because I hate hating others. Takes to much time and energy and never really solves anything.

I finish putting everything into the cart and head back to my car. I don't drive though. I just think, I just sit and wonder in this parking lot. Not many people in town drive places unless it was cold or they tend to bring back a whole lot of simply needed to be somewhere quick. Most places were within a close walking distance.

I see my fathers car and shortly after I see my father getting in a driving away. Just like that. I don't know what her means. Does he wants us to be like a family again or does just not want to die with both his sons hating him. Probably the second one. At my grandfather funeral I attended when I was seven no one looked like they were really sad especially my father. He didn't seam to like his, he never spoke about him and we only saw him like twice before he died. Both times he got in a fight with my father and left before we could really get to talk or know each other.

My father probably doesn't want that because he knows that It will happen. With the way he treated me and Nate he would be lucky if we even showed up. Mother doesn't even love him and I know that because she cheated in him constantly when I was growing up. She thought she was sneaky with it but I could hear the sounds and even ran into one of her partners a couple times.

* * *

><p>"<strong>N<strong>ate! Open the door, I have to pee" I yelled at my older brother thought the door.

It was seven in the morning. I woke up first and went to the washroom but he entered seconds later pushing me out. That's not fair.

"Nate!" I yell.

"Be patient" I hear him say.

"I can't, you know I have a small bladder! Let me in!"

"Wait!" I groan I at my brother.

I left the room going to the bathroom my sister and guest that stay over use but Mare already got there before I had the chance to saying HA in my face and shutting the door behind her.

When my father is home I would never even think of entering my parents room but he was away for business in Canada. So I entered, my mother was in her bed sleeping. I walked quietly to there master bathroom which was slightly opened. The light was turned on.

I opened the door. A grown man stood starring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. A grown man that wasn't my father. A grown man that was shirtless in my parents bathroom. His eyes Admiralty widened as he saw me. I have him a questioning look.

He had brown hair, it wasn't dark like mine, Nate and my dad it was really light almost blonde but not quite. He wore shorts and was really hairy on the legs. His eyes were dark but not that dark.

Not sure of I should go back to my room or stay. I don't think I could make it back to my room and not wet my pants if I did leave but I don't want to talk to him if I stay or even look at him.

"Uh..hi" he says was long to the door frame where I stood.

"I-I n-need to uh use the w-washroom" I stutter mentally face palming myself. It was a simple question but I stuttered thorough the whole thing.

He left the washroom letting me do my business. When I got out he was dressed and my mother was no longer in the room.

* * *

><p>I never brought it up after that . I never saw him ether and I'm glad. I never mentioned to anyone, not even Nate who I told everything to besides Joy and Mick. I didn't even tell Mick and Joy everything. I don't want to.<p>

After that it was weird with my mum and got weirder when my dad came back from Canada. I know my mum knew that I know what she does behind the scenes we just never talked about it. I figured that she thought as long as I don't bring it up it's alright and no need to have that awkward sad conversation and she wouldn't have to feel any shame what's so ever. So that's exactly what we did.

•••

I went over to Willows and Alfie's having that Alfie called me over yesterday to watch football game. I said yes even though I don't like football and can't even understand the game.

When I got there he was seated on the sofa alongside no other than Jerome Clarke. Alfie smiled at me as I walked in. Sitting next to him.

Mara was also there but shortly left with Wlliow after to work since they both had night shift in the hospital. We said our goodbyes and they left is with the football game that I didn't understand. Nate came over halfway through the game.

I still find it odd that my brother is friends with both Jerome and Alfie. Maybe it's because of the age difference but it's not even that much. I mean he's twenty-seven while I'm twenty-three, twenty four in a couple of weeks. Then Alfie is twenty-four while Jerome Clarke is twenty-five. All my friends are older than me well except Williow and Joy. Williow is twenty-two, a year younger with a late birthday and Joy's birthday is in the summer so she still has awhile to go until twenty-four. Then my mate Eddie is already twenty-four. At his birthday party he talked about how old her felt then got high and passed out. Which was a surprise because Miller hardly ever drank and when he did it wasn't much. I remember Patricia drew a stash on him with permanent marker, when Eddie had a woken she told him that I did it then he slapped me and went back to sleep.

After the game finished. It took all in me to my jump with Joy since I didn't understand a single that happened. I mean I get that when the ball entered the net without being caught then it's a point but then all this stuff happens and it's just ugh.

We watched a couple episodes of _The Big Bang Theory _next before heading out.

Nate came over to my house after and I told him about dad and what he said. He responded with "bullshit."

We talked for like an hour and he decided on staying over, sleeping in the guess room. The next morning he ate most of my food and left. Ah brotherly bonding.


	10. Chapter 10

Sometimes I wonder _what if_?

What if I never met Nina? Would I have ended up dating Joy or maybe even Mara? What if I didn't meet Jasper? Would I still be living in that dirty old flat in University trying to become a scientist? What if my grandfather was actually a good father to mine? Would he be a good man today? If he was would he have really married my mother? Would I even be born? What if mum never cheated?

The _what if_ questions made my brain hurt. So much can change if only one thing didn't happen or maybe one thing did happen.

I sat on the blue loveseat in Jerome's Clarke office. I thought about getting a new therapist since I've become friends with my current one but I decided not to. Jerome is different from when he's in his office and when he's in his natural habitat.

In his office he studies you, trying to get into your head. He talks only about you and he doesn't seem to show much emotion. While when he's not in his office, he strips of his professional self revealing a cocky, stubborn and funny guy that sometime can be really rude.

"So what is it with this Amber Millington?" He asked pretending to write.

I know he's just drawing a picture. He's actually a pretty good artist. He never writes during sessions, he just records the entire thing and acts like he doesn't.

"She was my girlfriend for about a year" I tell him.

"Go on"

"Jasper and her manager were friends. So they though since we were both riding stars we could feed off each other publicity so we went for the media" I explain.

"So why do you hate her?"

"She was a pain in the ass"

"Continue"

"Amber wasn't bad, I actually really liked her at a point. The thing is when the cameras turn on she becomes a whole new person"

I start "She becomes the rich snobby model that's hungry for money and fame"

"Most celebs are like that" he says, he looks up at me "No offense" he adds continuing to sketch. When will people realize that saying no offense doesn't take the offense out if the damn sentence.

* * *

><p><strong>W<strong>e sat in the black car that drive us to the teen choice awards. I was nominated for two awards while my girlfriend Amber Millington was nominated for three. Two for a movie and the other was for being hot.

She wore a white crop too with shoulder cut outs, it reached her elbow. She paired it with a black maxi skit that went to her feet that wore wore black pumps.

Amber's blonde hair was pulled up in a high pony tail. Not a single straight strand out of place. Her makeup was done simple, she would have home all out but I convinced her not to and she did so for once.

I simply wore black pants with a black suit jacket and white v-neck. Amber's said my look was simple yet hot and I smiled at her after the compliment.

"You look dashing as well, darling" I say in partially good mood.

We arrived seeing tons of screening teens with posters and cell phones out recording every moment.

I looked over to the blonde who was starting at the crowed with Joy in her face. Her face lit up once she saw a girl with a poster of her face and name all over it. I had to admit, if was kinda cute. She was kinda cute. I brushed the thought out my head, Amber Millington was surely a pretty face to look at. She looked like a Goddess all day and night even when she was sick. Amber was a living Aphrodite.

Sometimes I wonder what she was really, really like. Sometimes I wonder who Amber Grace Millington is instead of who Amber Millington the movie star and part time model who was on all the top magazine covers and billboards and runways. Sometimes I think the real Amber shows but once she realizes she just hides it like she's not good enough or something. Her makeup was a mask that she took off every night only to put it back once her eyes flickered open at daylight.

"What?" She asked knocking me out of my gaze.

"Nothing" I say still looking at her. I know she isn't what she always came off as, I know she's hiding her true identity. I just don't know why. She raised and eyebrow at me and waited for me to keep talking but I didn't. I didn't something don't usually do unless there was cameras around for the media.

That's right. I kissed Amber Grace Millington by choice. In a car which no one could see into through the windows. It was just her and myself. It was just Amber and Fabian. Not Amber Millingtom and Fabian Rutter the Hollywood celebs with over a million twitter followers and twenty awards. It was Amber and Fabian. Just Amber and Fabian, and I liked it. I liked it a lot. It felt nice, like how it felt every time I kissed Nina Martin except it was less stressful. It was less nerve racking. It just happened and she let it happen.

We pulled apart. Her pale eyes staring into my own. She looked down and smiled at her hands that were placed on her lap, blushing lightly. I was proudly blushing louder than ever because I Fabian Rutter blush like a a fourteen year old teenage girl who's crush just glanced at her and can't help it. I open my mouth to speak but no words come out.

The car slowed down more then it was a couple seconds ago. Then came a halt and he door flew open showing us the bright fire orange carpet full of stars such as Ariana Grande and Dylan O'brien.

I came out first giving Amber my hand and she gladly took it walking down the orange carpet surrounded by screaming girls in dresses and fan t-shirts. I saw a couple with my face and I found it odd but it made me smile inside and outside to. The screaming crowed called our names and Amber waves at fans signing autographs and take selfies with them as we passed, so did I. Some girls cried others screamed at the top of our lungs and for once. For once, Amber Millington was Amber Millington. The Amber that got excited over little things and was obsessed with mermaids and fairs. The Amber that was a total people person and was nice to everyone in her way and I liked that Amber a lot. She was fun, nice, preppy and cheering at times annoying but she was amazing at heart. Just wish she would come out to play more instead of the Amber Millington that was a walking ad from a magazine, the Amber that was a dive and total drama queen. The Amber that was the missing kardashian who was money and same obsessed. I hope that Amber never comes out again.

* * *

><p>"So you really liked her?" Jerome asked. I thought about her words carefully, the question has been in my mind at the period of my life constantly.<p>

"I don't know If I liked her or just needed to fill the space that Nina left open when she dumped me" I start " but I- I..." I couldn't go on. I didn't know how to.

Amber Millington is a confusing person. She's two different people at war and in our relationship the bad won hurting me deeply and now that I think about it.. It probably hurt her as much as it hurt me.

"Amber Millingtom was like a drug" I start talking looking off to space picturing her face flawless face. She was flawless on the outside full full of flaws on the inside which she tried to hide but it always hot the best of her.

"No matter how much of a bitch she was at times" I swore " You just always end up coming back to her, uncontrollably. It felt right when she was herself but when she turned into another that was when reality kicked in and you knew you had to leave her but somehow you go back to her."

When Amber and I met I was sure I would never have any kind of feelings for her mostly because I was so in love with Nina Martin but that's not how it went.

"I guess she.. She got your mind off things for a little while with how distracting she was"

She was really distracting and she got distracted easily. It was always funny to watch, she would be talking about something funny that happened and then she'd see a pair of shoes and start talking about shoes with such excitement that couldn't be tamed by a soul.

"She told you the truth as it was. If you stunk she'd say it to your face without realizing it could have hurt"

In my relationship with Amber, I think I was the one who actually screwed it up now that I think about it. I cheated constantly on her with KT and I would always get high not careing at all about her. I said rude things to her that I deeply regret. I wasn't a kind soul and she went back and forth from being one and not.

* * *

><p><strong>I<strong> leaned back on the elevator wall rolling eyes at Amber Millington who scold me.

"Fabian!"

"Amber!" I say back with the same tone in voice. She crossed her arms.

"I really don't want to fight with you Fabian" she said calmly turning her back to me.

"Them make this easier on the both of us and don't. Goodness gracious women, do you ever stop nagging me?" I took my back off the wall.

She tuned to face me and I could see the hurt and anger storming in her grey eyes that had specks of blue. He faced wrinkled, she was upset..mad. Maybe even furious. I didn't show a single sign of sympathy because I'm done with this. I'm done with her and telling me what to do. I just want to run wild. I just want to have fun. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out and the doors opened, she stepped out walking down the hall and I followed stopping at her white hotel room door. It read _'128'_ and she put her hand on it but didn't open the door. She didn't look at me ether.

"Do you want to be with me or miss KT Rush?" She asked her eyes still on the door nob witch he held with her right hand, the left placed on the door.

"I want to be with Amber Millington but not the one with the makeup and the high end clothing and the attitude" I state "Can you maybe be that Amber again?" She stayed quiet before letting go of the door and looking at me using her hands for motions.

"This is all there is, and all you get" she tells me. I stare at her eyes looking for a hint of I don't even know. Something. Something to tell me that's she's joking and she will change to the better version on her but I didn't find a thing. Her eyes were just.. Her eyes. Nothing else. Pale blue surrounded by a glossy white.

"So this is it?"

"I guess so"

"That's it, were just going to end like this?"

"The only reason we started was for a publicity scam which only got you in trouble with your ex-girlfriend. Let's be real Fabian. Just for a second. You _never_ loved me, we might have had a little fling but we never _loved_ each other. We treat each other horribly we're just...I don't know" her eyes land on the dark carpet beneath us.

"I just want to know something, Amber. Is this really what you want, just be straight with me for once in your life. I want the truth"

She didn't speak so I did for her.

"Yeah" is all I say "Goodbye Amber Millington" I walk away but here a faint voice say "Yeah Goodbye Amber Millington"

* * *

><p>"It was simple and fast and we never spoke again after that day" I tell Jerome<p>

"How do you feel about Amber Millington?"

"I don't know...she was just. I honesty don't know. It's not like I could do anything about it anyway" I say. The phone rings.

Jerome stands up taking a deep breath. Walking to his desk sitting in his black spinning chair. He puts his feet up on his desk, leaning back in his seat. Answering the phone. It seemed as he was speaking with a client or partner because he wrote down an address and time. I sit in the seat in front of him in his desk and he flashes me a small smile.

"The wedding is next week" he states.

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Rutter, I'm the shrink. I ask all the questions not you" he explains how this whole process works and I put my hand up I'm defense.

"But for you information, words cannot express how I feel. They Joy is just that high" he explains "the question is, how do you feel?"

"I don't know, it's your wedding...I guess I feel happy for you" I say not exactly sure how to answer a question such as that.

"No, no, no, Rutter that's not what I meant" he takes his feet of his dark wooden desk.

"How do you really feel, you will be reuniting with your first love"

"Oh really? I so didn't know that, what what I do with your Jerome Clarke?"

"You'd be a lost child without away" he says smirks.

I'm already a lost child without away. I've been a lost child without away for such a line time now it's unbelievable. We talk some more and before we part our ways. He stays in his office finishing off some work and I leave. I drive off but I don't go home. I don't go home at all.

* * *

><p><strong>Can we just take a moment to take in that fact that this story is half way done and I've been uploading basically everyday, at the rate I'm going this just may be my first actual finished story unless I finish Definitely, Maybe. I think I deserve a cookie, yeah? Anyways, Until next time...<strong>

**~Baze **


	11. Chapter 11

In front of me stands a bar. I haven't been inside one in months. I haven't been near any alcoholic beverage in over a month. I used to have a liquor cabinet but Mara cleaned it out while lecturing me on why I shouldn't be drinking that constantly or at all period.

Now I stood in front of one, people entered and left stumbling. Some people went in alone but left with another, probably having a one night stand but they will regret it. This is a small town.. People will run into another eventually , no matter they like it or not.

I took a breath and began to head to my car but I quickly turned back entering the bad.

_Logan's Bar_.

It was dark and filled with laughter and music. People danced on the dance floor and socialized by the bar. There were people making out and some sitting alone looking depressed taking many shots. My feet led me to the bar and I sat on the black stool.

Cases of wine in front. The bar tender walked up to me. Cleaning a glass with a white cloth.

"What can I get you?" He asked. I think about it. The old Fabian would never drink. I guess he's dead because that's all I've done the last couple the years. I shake my head at the bad tender.

"Nothing" I walkout dragging my feet that didn't want to leave along with my brains and mouth that just wanted another taste big my heart said no and I dragged my feet along outside to the sidewalk full of cracks and tiny prices of garbage. I walked past my car which I park on the side of the old road. I left it behind like I left behind my friends and Nate, the only people who truly cared about me.

I walked into an apartment complex catching the door as someone walked out with arms full of books like the old Fabian did. He was male, he looked young. Brown hair and glasses with red cheeks. I could see my old self I'm him just by that quick glance.

I enter the elevator which I stood in a lone going to the third floor.

My head ached, my thoughts took over. I miss the old Fabian the one that wasn't so messed up. The one that didn't depend in a bottle of poison to be happy. The one that wasn't a douche. The one that wasn't so fake. Funny, I've been judging Amber Millington all these years but really I'm ten times worse then Amber. She just did what the people wanted to see, she did what her manager wanted. She just did it for the people. Now she's gone. Amber Millington's dead and I can't help but think it's all my fault.

I knocked on the door that read '_308_'.

A brunet in sweats and a t-shirt opened it surprised to see my very self. Joy Mercer opened to see my very self.

"Fabian?" She asked.

"It's my fault" I start breathing heavenly " I killed her" her face was now full of confusion while mine was filled with guilt.

"Amber's dead because of me" I say mostly to myself. She invites me in leading me to the couch that had a trow blanket lay across. There was a bowl of pasta on the coffee table and a drink. She was probably eating while watching T.V when I rudely disturbed her. Her eyes stayed on me with worry and confusion.

"Fabian, Amber died because she committed suicide" Joy reminds me.

Yeah she committed suicide because of me. Because I didn't give her the love she needed when she was broken. She was doll to her manager and the entire world. Nothing but a pretty face doll that would do anything to stay on top. She want herself because no one wanted that Amber they wanted a crazy diva that could keep the young entertained and she did so.

"She killed herself after we broke up. She had an argument with her manager and then after a phone call with her parents she jumped off the balcony and no one saved her. I was the one who brought her down, I knew she wasn't happy and I didn't do anything. I let the fame and drugs and KT get to me while she was hurting" I put my head in my pale hands.

She didn't say anything.

"You know, she wasn't all that bad. She was actually nice and funny. Her entire face would light up when she got all excited over the littlest thing" I smiled remembering.

All this time I wasn't depressed about Nina. I realized that now. I was sad. I was angry. I was furious with myself because I've become a selfless little prick and I haven't been looking at others just feeling sorry for myself when the people around me were suffering. I don't hate Amber, I loved her as much as I loved Nina. I feel horrible she has to go at twenty-two. She never got to show the world who she was and people kept saying sorry that she was dead but really no one was sorry. No one knew _Amber Millington_ they knew Amber Millington.

Joy was now hugging me. Her arms tightly around my shoulders embracing me in a warm hug.

"It's not your fault" she tells me. I try to believe her but how could I do that.

I just realized Joy has came so far from where she was before. She was a Journalist. She was published, her dream came true just like mine though it turned it to a nightmare.

I don't know why she isn't mad at me because I know that when I broke the industry. that's when I broke her heart. It's true the good things in life are over fast. My success made me happy until the drama came about. It's hard to deal with and I try to ignore it. I tend to turn it all off and switch on my professional features but then when I turn the music off all I'm left with is to pick up my personal pieces, and Jesus it's hard.

Got advice from my dad when I was young. He told me that family is all I'll ever have and need, I guess I'm unaware of it. Maybe because I've only had one family member that was family. It's true success is nothing if you have no one there left to share it with and when I left I had no one but Jasper.

I'm wrong. I've had more than one family member. Besides Nate I had Mara and Joy and even Mick though that didn't end well.

We pulled apart but didn't talk. I didn't want to talk and she didn't make me. She offered food but I wasn't hungry. She didn't push to talk or eat like Nina did when we were together. When I didn't feel like doing anything she would say I'm being impossible.

Joy and watched tv. She took quick glances over at me, checking if I were okay. It was obvious she was worried about my mental health but she didn't make me do anything.

It wasn't long before Joy dosed off. She's been yawning for the past hour but refused to sleep now her large brown eyes were closed and her breathing was light. Her head rested on my shoulder and I let her lay her head there not wanting to wake my friend. She looked peaceful, not a single worry on her golden face. I fell asleep not long after even though I tried not to.

•••

Ever since I was a kid with shaggy dark hair and red cheeks my nights were peaceful. As I got older they weren't as peaceful anymore. Around the age of twelve when my older brother Nate was kicked out of the house, all my good dreams were kicked out as well.

As nights and nights went by, nightmares haunted me as I slept. The worst part is that no one ever should have nightmares about there own father.

No one.

The bully and my father never let me sleep so when I was a young I would just spend my entire night reading books heading off to an alternative universe being someone else for a change. It made me feel a whole lot better knowing that others had it worse, though those others were fictional characters the same affect stayed.

When I awoken this morning I layed on a cream colored couch that had bright pillows cuddling on the ends. Joy Mercer lay next to me. We were close because it we moved anymore apart I would have probably fell off landing on the fluffy rug. Joy was still sound asleep but she didn't look as peaceful as she did last night when she feel asleep. Her face was full of mini wrinkles and she looked like she was battling her own thoughts. My arm was already around her and she was sorta leaning into my chest. We shared each others warmth in this small apartment. The sun rays made sticks on our bodies through the window blinds.

I nudge her a little making her scrum.

"Are you okay?" My voice came out deep and raspy, it was more of a whisper then anything else. Her brown eyes flickered up and she gave me a weary smile.

"Yeah I'm fine, just a not so great dream" After a few minutes she got up and so did I. She offered me breakfast and a coffee and I told her I was fine, I was supposed to meet Nate for brunch today. We said our goodbyes as she walked me to her apartment door.

"So see you at the wedding?" I stop at her door frame, the sides at her lips go up a smile entered her face.

"Yeah" she holds the door as I back up into the deserted hallway but she doesn't close it at all.

"Yeah"

"Okay"

"Okay" I smirk as she narrows her eyes at me, it turns into a glare and I chuckle. She hates when I do that. So I speak once more before leave to walk to my car.

"Yeah, okay"

•••

I sat at a table next the window at _Riki's_ soon Nate came to joint me smiling happily.

"Why are you so happy?" I narrow my eyes at my brother who by appearance was me but an older, hazel eyed version.

"What am I no longer allowed to be happy for no reason, brother?" He picked up one of the menu's that lay on the cream colored table. That light hit it making it look lighter.

"...so" I try to change the subject now looking at the menu.

A red haired waitress came to take our orders and brought our food shortly after. We talked for a little before I brought up the subject I've been meaning to talk about with him once more. I took a deep breath.

"Remember want I told you about dad?" I start not even making eye contact. I circled my fork around my almost empty white plate.

His eyes were on me, I could feel it burning. Nathaniel Rutter didn't like the subject of our father very much, actually he didn't like it at all.

"Fabian?"

"I think we should go talk it out with him and mum even Mare-" Nate cut me off.

"Fabian and not going to back there, Dad kicked me out!"

"He kicked me out to" I tired to reason with the man.

"There's a difference"

"And what exactly is that Nate? He kicked us out bot-" he did it once again.

"When dad kicked you out, you were already eighteen. You were going to leave in a couple months anyway but when I was kicked out, I just turned sixteen. You know how hard that is? Being sixteen on the streets? I had _no one_ while you found Jasper and your Career took off. I was sixteen and barely getting by high school and then I got kicked out into the street Fabian" he was calm but I could still hear the anger in his voice. He was also _right_, I had Jasper to help me out when he no one.

"Maybe it-"

"Fabian, I don't care what you do. I'm not going to talk to dad or mum or even Meredith, they had pretty much eleven years to make things right with me and they didn't and you know damn well for the first two years I tried hard to make things okay between us but you know what? They didn't try, why? Because they don't care"

The rest of our little brunch was silent. His words ringed inside my head. It's ringed loud and only for louder.


	12. Chapter 12

_I'm on a rocket that shoots straight up but never down_

When I met Jasper that's how I always felt. My life just seemed to get better and better. People listened to my music, I performed for crowds that understood my music, the understood me. The world was on my hands. Everything just seemed _perfect_.

Today that's how Mara Jeffrey and Jerome Clarke felt. It was their wedding day, I haven't seem Mara at all or spoken to her but Jerome has been going through a series of emotions. He went from happy to excited to nervous to excited all over again within a matter of seconds.

Nate and Alfie tried to calm the man down but only made him more nervous.

I wonder if I would be this nervous when it's my wedding day.. If I have a wedding day that is.

"Mate calm down, Mara loves you of course she will say I do" Alfie assured Jerome who was straightening his tie while looking in his reflection. He sure did clean up nicer than he usually was, if that were even possible.

Alfie, Nate and I left the room as John Clarke Jerome's father had a talk with him. The two were close and a lot alike from what I've seen so far.

I envy that.

I used to be close to my dad before he went mad, before he started caring more about work,money and how people saw him and his families. Appearance became everything to him. The day his company became larger and expanded across seas was the same exact day I lost my father. It was the father died and came back as an evil being.

* * *

><p>"Dad!" I enter my house calling after my father.<p>

"Where are you?" I searched the living room and kitchen passing the back door which was wide open.

My mother and father stood in the middle of our backyard the were hugging and then they kissed. My faces wrinkled in disgust.

Eww, gross.

I turned to go back inside when I hear my mother say something.

"Fabian, honey. Good news" she says smiling brightly.

"Your fathers company got expanded over to Australia and America" my mother told me. I faced dad and gave him a smile.

"Congratulations, dad" I say. He looked as if he were about to speak but then his cell phone buzzed an he walked off to talk on the phone leaving to work shortly after, ignoring what I was trying to tell him saying _"Fabian, I don't have time. Later"_ later didn't come.

* * *

><p>The wedding took place outside in a garden. Jerome stood at the end of the white aisle with the preacher. He stood straight up waiting for Mara.<p>

The flowers were bright and beautiful and there were four rows of seats on both sides. First two rows were mostly their family while the the last two were friends.

Willow and Alfie walked down the row first parting at the end. The Alfie stood by Jerome's side. He was the best man.

Next to walk down was my brother Nate and Jerome's little sister Poppy. Poppy reminded me of Meredith. They were both blonde blue eyed twenty-one year old. The both also dressed alike.

Then it was Joy and myself to walk down. Joys dress was different from Willow and Poppy's, since she was maid of honer. Her dress was a cream colored while Willows and Poppy's were a washed violet. The colors mixed well together. The dresses were floor length. People watched as we walked down because next was the bride.

"You look dashing" I whisper to Joy still look ahead. I could see her trying to hold back a smile from the corners of my eye.

Once we reached the end we parted. I stool next to Nate who stood beside Alfie and Jerome. Joy stood in front/on the side of Poppy who was next to Willow.

The music changed as walked Mara down the aisle with a little flower girl and ring barrier leading the way in front of them. Who hugged Mara at the end of the aisle setting her free putting her in the care of Jerome Clarke. He sat in the front row with his wife who looked like she was going to cry tears of Joy.

I looked through the seats, there was no Nina Martin to be found. I don't know why, but my heart dropped a little at that. The preacher started, the two said there vows. Confessed their love like they didn't do it every single day. Then they said _'I do'_ with no hesitation what's so ever. Their eyes stayed locked the entire time, they looked at each other like there was no one else in the world. Like the were the only ones.

I wonder if I'll have that. I wonder if I'll ever be in love like that. The kinda love as Jerome put it in his vows _'The world was black and white until you entered it. We screamed color together'_ I wish I could have that.

•••

We took thousands at pictures. My cheeks absolutely hurt from smiling, I feel bad for Alfie and Joy they had to take thousands more with Mara and Jerome who got millions taken.

The reception was also outdoors. Just not in the same garden where the ceremony took place. People danced and everyone tried to get a word in with Jerome and Mara.

I kinda just stood at the side watching awkwardly. I didn't know many people here. The people I did know were of course busy.

"Hey, Fabian" Joy walked up to me pushing a stranded dark curl behind her ear. She smiled shyly.

"Joy" the music changed into a slow song. People grabbed partners. When Jerome and Mara took the first dance, they moved in perfect harmony.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

I've been hating that question lately. I don't know how to answer it. I'm not, not okay but I'm also not okay. Actually what is it to be okay? What state of being makes you okay? Physically I'm fine, mentally? I don't even know. I'm better then I was yesterday and much better then I was last week and ten times better then I was a month or two ago. Thank good I'm better then I was over a year ago because I maybe dead if I wasn't and if I were dead. I would be missing one of my best friends wedding.

"Do you want to, maybe dance?" I ignore her question holding out my hand. She looked at it before her eyes flickered back on mine.

"I'm a really bad dancer" Joy warns me.

"I know, but so am I" I remind the brunet as she took my hand. We walk out to the dance floor hand in hand.

I detached my hand from hers moving it to her tiny waist. She moved her small hands to my shoulders. We tried not to step on each others feet but failed, badly. Laughing at each other when it happens.

"I'm so sorry" she says when she steps on my toes. It didn't hurt but if it were her heal landing on my toes then I would probably be crying.

"We're so good at this" I joke with her.

"Yeah totally, we should be professional dancers"

"Yeah"

"Yeah"

"Okay"

"Okay

We laughed.

•••

The night went by fast. Joy and I stayed close most of the night. Jerome and Mara actually were one of the first to leave getting on the plane to their honeymoon. Everyone said there goodbyes in union as they drove off to the distance.

Joy, Alfie, Willow, Poppy, Nate and I stayed behind to clean up alongside a few others but I don't know them. Mara didn't want us to but we convinced them to go and enjoy being married.

As I stacked the chairs a figure appeared next to me helping me stack. She smiled as I took a good look at her making sure my eyes weren't lying to me. They seemed to be truthful.

Nina Evelyn Martin stood before me.

* * *

><p><strong>the moment you all have been waiting for. Yay. Until next time... <strong>

**~Baze**


	13. Chapter 13

When Nina dumped me I didn't think she was serious. We were on a rocky road the last couple months of our relationship. Every time we broke up it was for a couple of days or weeks before we got back together. Every time we split, we found ourselves begging the other for forgiveness. For just another shot.

"Hi Fabian" her eyes searched for mine.

She dressed in a light blue dress that went just below her knees. Her makeup minimal. Her hair was shorter then it was before, Nina was always one of those girls that had long hair all her life and kept it long. Now her long wavy light hair that I used to hey my hands tangled in was shorter, just below her shoulders. It was curled at the tips. Her hair was a darker color instead of the golden blonde with brown under lights it was just brown. A plain brown.

"Hello, Nina" our eyes lock. Her eyes were still a pale green with blue specks. They were still beautiful as always. They were still easy to get lost inside and I hate it. I hate it a lot.

"So how's life?" She tried to start conversation. How's life? Nate always told me that starting a conversation like that is one of the wrost ways because most of the time people don't care and conversation gets awkward.

"Nina, I don't really want to do this" I state only truth coming out. I really don't want to do this again, she drives me crazier then Amber and KT could ever.

"Do what?" She asked raising an eyebrow like she really didn't know. "Do what, Fabian?"

"This, I don't want to talk to you like nothing bad ever happens between us" I turn back I my work and she moves closer.

"I said I'm sorry for that an besides we-"

My blood goes boiling. I can feel it inside my bloodstream. The burning.

"You can't just dump me and then get back together again only to end up dating me BEST friend at the time" I remind her and she stops talking. Finally.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Mick do you want-"<p>

the sight before me shut my up. Actually it did more them shut me up. It broke my heart into so many pieces nobody can count and so little species that even the strongest microscopes can't see.

In front of me stood my best friend since childhood and my girlfriend making out. Their mouths on the others.

As the pull apart to see me both there jaws dropped to the ground instantly. I series of this is not what it looks like and Fabian, I can explain echoed the room.

I didn't give the chance to explain, I just took a breath and walked out. Nina and I broke up later and Mick and I parted ways.

* * *

><p>"I know what I did was wrong Fabian but you also did wrong in our relationship" she states.<p>

"And what exactly was that? Trying to make my dreams come true?" She frowns at this.

"You went out with-"

" I was forced into that Nina! You know I had no choice but you and Mick, that was a choice" my voice dropped low at the end.

She opens her mouth to speak but no words come out and her eyes wonder around a second.

"I really thought you were the one, I really did. Guess we were never meant to be" she tells me and I just nods understanding. She walks away and I didn't feel anything. Nothing at all.

I think I'm finally over Nina Evelyn Martin.

•••

It's been a couple months since the wedding. A couple months since dad asked me to forgive him, a couple months since Meredith and I reunited. A couple months since I moved back here and tried to leave like Amber did. A couple months since Nina and a couple months since I've reunited with old friends and made some new ones.

Now I lay on the green earth. Night sky was full of stars though it's just another night and I'm staring at the moon,I saw a shooting star. I didn't make a wish since that star is already dead. It's from millions years ago yet we see it now. That's kinda really sad.

"Hey" I hear joys voice. She stood on my side wearing a short white summer dress. I just smile at her and pat the grass directing her to lay with me. She does and we look at the stars while the crickets played music for us.

Last year today, I was higher than kites in the sky dancing around. Tonight I lay with my best friend Joy Mercer. The same Joy that I went to every time I wanted to cry my heart out and didn't want to be judged by it, the same Joy that forced me into doing social things with people just to have the experience the same Joy that I spent hours of my childhood laughing with. I find this peaceful, not stressful like beings with Nina and trying to please her constantly, not fake like it was with Amber all the time not a one night thing that I regretted in the morning with KT Rush. It was just me and Joy Mercer, just like old times. No words needed to be said.

I looked at her to find out she was already looking at me. She quickly turned her face in total embarrassment. It's kinda cute actually, he cheeks turn to a light shade of pink you could barely see but it was there. I don't know why, but the next thing I did shocked me.

I found myself holding her hand, she didn't yank it away or anything. She held it right back. Her hand was a delicate creamy warm cloud. Extremely soft. We didn't look at each other instead are eyes were placed on the shiny stars. You don't see these kind of stars in Hollywood. So much has changed.

A couple months ago I wanted to be dead more than anything but Amber's dead. Her death took her pain away but there is so much she haven't done and I wish she could but obviously she can't. Unlike Amber I will, I will live my life the fullest I can just like my brother, Eddie and Jerome does and I will live life happy just like Willow and Alfie, I will my life trying new things just like Mara and Joy and I'll live my life doing everything Amber couldn't because she was forced into being this fake Barbie doll, I will live the life not only for me but-

For Amber.


	14. Chapter 14

The once red door was now white.

It's been years since I was banished from Rutter property but now I stood in front of the door that held my mother hostage and slaved my sister which was all run by my father.

Never in my life have I thought I'll ever be back here since the last conversation with my father before the grocery store. I always thought we would remain _strangers_ until death form that point on. I guess things change.

I took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

No one answered.

So I tried again; _knock knock knock_.

Nothing.

Turning on my heels ready to give up I hear the door open.

Mum.

Her blonde hair was lighter than I've ever seem. Her blue eyes were pale and looked weak. Her lips pulled up to a small smile and I couldn't really help myself, I hugged my mother like never before. As if she were the last person on the planet that I can communicate to. She hugged me back, I embraced her sent the warmth.

We were never close, when I was younger though she would read me stories until I fell asleep and that was always my favourite time of the day. My mother telling me all her wild experiences. I always sat there eager to know what would happen next. She used to tell me that she loved me to the moon and back.

It's 238,855 miles to the moon and double that it's around 472,676 miles. That's pretty far so I always thought she loved me a lot but as I got older it felt as of the distance gotten shorter but the moon stayed there about 238,855 miles away, guess my mother got closer. Her head in the sky.

We pulled apart but her arms still stayed on mine. Her eyes smiling as she took me in.

"You certainly grown to be a handsome man haven't you?" she states more than asks.

I just smile not knowing how else to respond. She asks me to come in, the inside was different than it was five years ago. It was now mostly shades of white, grey and black instead of neutral colors with pops of color.

White flowers sat on a clear vase on top of the black coffee table. My mum sat next to me on the white elegant looking sofa. It was new because it wasn't here when I was.

"Where's dad?" I look around the room as I asked.

"Work... Would you like a drink?" She asked me, I nodded my head no. "Are you okay Fabian?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" I lied. It's not that I'm not fine, just wanted to see my dad for once.

We talked for a little bit, she told me I should talk to Mare sometime and come over for dinner. I told her I will and it's the truth. I'm going to fix the things I messed up even if I didn't exactly mess up my family, my family messed up my family. We all did it to each other but I'll try. Even if Nate won't, I will.

•••

"So what are you going to do?" Mara asked me sitting on the sofa next to me. We were in my living room of her house. Jerome wasn't here, just me and Mara.

We watched 27 dresses, I wasn't paying as much attention as Mara did. Didn't find it interesting personally unlike Mara who had her eyes glued to the screen.

"With my career? I don't know, I think songwriting for others is the direction I want to go in but I'm going to really miss performing" I explain.

"Just do whatever makes you happy" she smiles at me before turning to the screen once more.

The thing about happiness is that it never last long. Maybe it's just me but every time good things happen soon after the universe is just like "ha ha No" then your whole world comes crashing down and you have to start from the bottom once more picking up pieces as you get to the top which seems to never come.

Maybe it's just that the steps are to high, or maybe I'm not climbing fast enough. Maybe there is no end, just a journey you go through.

Soon the rest if the gang joins us, Jerome and Alfie were louder than usually. Willow was killing herself with laughter, it got to the point were there was no sound coming out just her puffy out air. She tried to stop herself

but then Alfie would say it doing something and it would all come rushing back out. We were all full of laughter. Out faces gone red and tears streaming from happiness. I'm surprised I haven't formed a six pack.

* * *

><p><strong>short chapter, I know... sorry. Review? until next time...<strong>

**~Baze **


	15. Chapter 15

It's unbelievable how everything and anything could change within a couple seconds.

One moment I'm sitting on the couch with my friends laughing happily aloud to the jokes we told each other, now we're in a crowded waiting room waiting to hear from doctors.

We were all watching the movie Orphan when Mara received a call from the hospital about Joy Mercer. We rushed down here as soon as we could, Mara tried to calm down who was pacing like crazy.

Willow was trying to find out what state Joy was while Alfie, Jerome and I sat in the bright room full of coughing, sleepy and worried people just waiting for answers.

•••

Two hours have passed and I still have no idea what happened to Joy. Is it that bad? She could have brains damage, or missing body parts or dying in that hospital bed and nobody is telling us anything! How could they put is in the place. My right leg was shaking, I had a bad habit of doing so as I got nervous and right now I'm freaking out.

"I have some bad news" I hear Willow say, I found myself standing on my feet hearing this news.

Willow's face was bright and she wasn't smiling like she usually is which is kinda really depressing. The room felt dark and gloomy though it wasn't.

"What happened to Joy?" was the first to speak making Willow take a deep breath before explaining the what's supposed to be bad news.

"I regret to inform you that Joy Mercer has been in a car accident earlier this morning with a drunk driver. Both are not dead but Joy hasn't awakened, she seems to be in an unresponsive state" Willow explains.

"What does that mean?" Alfie asked now standing.

"She could possibly be in a coma" Mara fills in.

"Yes" Willow confirmed.

"What, for how long?" Alfie asked.

"We took brain scans but in her current state possibly a couple of days or weeks maybe a couple months but we can't really tell. It could be days, weeks, months even years" Willow answers her husbands question.

"Can I go my daughter?" asks Willow who nods.

"Yes but only family could see her right now... I'm going to see if I could find more out about Joy" she walks away and leaves to see her daughter.

Minutes passed and I'm still shocked. Not sure how I should feel or say or do. I don't think I could do anything and I hate that.

Alfie left shortly after down to the police station, working night shift. Mara and Jerome went down to the food court bringing some things considering the fact she's been here all day.

I just sat here in my seat. The waiting room was almost empty now. _Joy's not dead, just in a deep sleep_, I tell myself over and over but I don't believe it. Joy could either stay or go off to the oblivion just like Amber. I hope she's stays. Please let her stay.

•••

it's been three months since the accident, both Mara and Willow have been spending most of their time at the hospital. Mara even took up extra hours as a doctor in the hospital only to check up on Joy waiting to for her to wake up. in beside her hospital bed every single day. Jerome and Alfie simply never speak of it unless the subject is brought up, the topic just seems to sadden little Alfred and Jerome is always just lost for words. I haven't actually seen her since I found the news out. So three and half months ago.

I don't really have a good reason for not seeing her. I haven't done much in the the last couple of months. Jasper and I spoke and we decided I'm better off not being in the public eye and that I'm just going to be a songwriter and forget the singer part but he only agreed on this I release one last album with the label. I'm set to leave next week actually. Japar and I also made an agreement that I get full control of all the songs and affects added onto it as long as I don't drink and party and get arrested again.

* * *

><p>"Fabes, just do it man. Nothing bad will happen.. Not like there's anyone around" Johnny assured me placing the wood baseball bat in my hand.<p>

"Okay, let's do this thing" I say running off with group-

* * *

><p>I don't remember anything from the night I got arrested. I remember Johnny giving me that bat and later Eddie telling me that this was going too far even for him then nothing. A blank space.<p>

I wonder if that's how it is for Joy. Being alive but not at the same time. I wonder if it's nothing but a blank space for her.


	16. Chapter 16

**Halloween**

"Patricia you're doing it wrong" Eddie gave her a look oh shame, shaking his head. She rolled her eyes.

"How? You can't possibly carve a pumpkin wrong. Must I mention the stupidity of this Holiday by the way.. I mean you guys carve pumpkins dress as mythical creatures than children get candy from random old strangers, Americans are weird" Patricia defended herself. I laughed and Eddie glared at is both.

"What's the point of this?" Patricia asked who was now her fiance. He proposed a while ago actually, they were in a hot air balloon when this happen. Smart idea actually, because if she refused she would have been stuck with him until they were brought down to the ground. Luckily for Eddie she accepted.

I've been in LA for a while, spent most of my time in the studio writing and recording. I've been hanging with Eddie a lot alongside Patricia. I've talked to my parents over phone a couple times but didn't really last long before awkward silence. I video chat with Nate and Mara often and I usually see Jerome and Alfie when I chat with Mara. She's been keeping me up to date with Joy who hasn't woke. It's been months since the accident and no sign of her waking soon has been seen.

Mara tells me "she's not getting and worse, but she's also not getting any better"

Not sure how I feel about this. If she dies, I feel as if the remaining good parts of my childhood would leave with her. Sink away to the oblivion because honestly, she was the best part of it. Now she can't even open her eyes. Laying helplessly on the white hospital bed.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Yeah this chapter is utterly short and horrible and yeah I haven't posted in while. Honest apologies.<br>**_

_**This chapter was more of a filler chapter for whats been going on in his life because next chapter skips to November and in the story timeline it's been months since Joy had her accident. Next chapter will be long, promise, and the chapter after that will be set in the beautiful cold month of December so chapter nineteen if i'm not mistaking would be set on Christmas and around that time. Fun fact I'm already done the last chapter but have yet to completed nineteen and eighteen. Funny. Not really but oh well. Have a nice day, until next time...**_

_**~Baze **_


End file.
